mom & dad

I no longer have internet access at my place of residence, so I've not been writing. My life has been incredibly hectic recently. To add to the stresses of planning a wedding with no local bridesmaids and the ever constant struggles with my brother, both of my parents are dealing with medical issues. My entire life I have never seen my parents weak. Not really weak, at least. My father has always been strong and able to fix anything. My mother has always been emotionally strong, withstanding things that make my stomach hurt to think about.

Recently, my father has been having an issue with his right (dominant) hand that requires surgery. This may not sound like a huge deal, but he also has Von Willebrand's disease, creating a huge risk when performing any surgery, as his blood does not clot (he almost bled to death getting his wisdom teeth out). This is scary in and of itself, but it's even harder to watch my father be physically unable to do as much as he used to - his age is hitting me in the face. Hard.

About three and a half months ago, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. My grandmother had it, my mother has it, and I am mentally preparing myself for the day when I hear those frightening words spoken straight to me. After all she's been through, this is what made her feel weak. It knocked the wind out of her at first. Thank God, she has the "best" type of breast cancer possible and she has an incredible doctor in Indianapolis. Tuesday will mark her third surgery so far to hopefully get the rest of the mass - the doctor is avoiding a mastectomy at all costs. After this, she will go through 6 weeks of radiation and hopefully this will all be behind us.

I pray for patience. For strength. For guidance. For doctor's wisdom. For perseverance. For peace. For comfort. And finally, for healing. And I thank God for giving me parents who, despite their shortcomings, have raised me to believe. And I thank Him for all of the precious time He has given me with them, and the incredible memories that are to come.

Mom got married this past weekend and the whole family is home and happy. I love it - spending time outdoors and enjoying one another's company. Inevitably, when Heath is home we wind up reminiscing and getting on the subject of how awful our father was (and sadly, still is).  Heath tried to call our dad five times over the past couple months to arrange a time to see him when he was home - Dad never answered or returned his calls (his excuse was that Heath didn't leave a message). Heath's conclusion? He's over it. He's done trying. One can only do so much.

So yesterday (Father's Day), I went out to Dad's to do some finishing touches on the basement and Cyndi makes a comment that Dad didn't hear from Heath on Father's Day. She proceeds to say "He's a jerk. I'm sorry, but he's a jerk. I lose more respect for him as time goes on. What did your father ever do to him?" SERIOUSLY?! What did he do to him? Where should I start? Maybe the time that dad found Drew & I PLAYING together, spanked us both for no reason, sent us to bed at 2 pm with no supper, and then yelled at Mom for crying when he did so. Or how about the time he was dragging heath through the house by his legs, while kicking him, as a small child and when Mom got upset, he told her to "watch it, or she'd be next". Or the time that Heath finally stood up to Dad, and Dad got so angry that he kicked a hole in Heath's door. Or the time he screamed at me as a 4 year old for talking at the dinner table because he couldn't hear Fox News. Or maybe the time that he got angry at Drew and I for something and punched a hole in our door. I could literally go on for hours about reasons that each of us has resentment built up toward our father. And you can say, "but that was so long ago" "Christ is about redemption" so on and so forth. The fact of the matter is, our father has not changed, he has only realized that we out-number and out-strengthen him now. He subtly continues to be a shitty father by not communicating with us and then acting to everyone else as if we ignore him, or by making up excuses to not help me get a car or contribute to paying for my wedding. He makes jabs at our political and religious beliefs - even though he has no real facts to back up his own. He is narrow-minded and judgmental. He is racist and sexist and doesn't even realize it. My father is the reason I have suppressed most of my childhood and the reason I do not want to have children.

So there it is, all of the years of saying "you haven't lived with him, you don't get it" - maybe now someone will get it. Obviously Cyndi doesn't, because she's bigger than Dad and he can't threaten her. She's living in a dream world where she thinks she's married to the perfect man and the greatest dad. My apologies to her for that incredibly delusional thought.

It's been a long time coming

I had a fantastic weekend, and at some point, without my knowledge, something in me changed. It is deeply ingrained in my nature to be quick-witted, sharp-tongued, and nit picky. I am so painfully aware of these traits that I cringe when they show themselves. And like seeing a train wreck, I feel powerless to stop them.

When Heath moved, it was incredibly difficult for me. Not only was I losing my big brother, but I was losing my pastor - hands down, no question the best speaker I have heard (all bias aside). He is incredibly intelligent, will not speak without being well studied on a subject, and articulates my thoughts better than I know how. I was absolutely convinced that I would not find another pastor whose words could reach me the way Heath's did (and still do, thanks to his blog). I was so wrong, because this weekend God spoke through someone else. I quickly learned that Heath's intelligence didn't make him a fantastic preacher, it was God's gift of communication - he was only the messenger. Kevin, the pastor at the church community we've been involved with recently, is a great guy. He shares my dry/sarcastic sense of humor and an understanding of the cynicism I've been carrying with me for far too long. This week he spoke on James 1:19, and for the first time in awhile I felt as if a sermon had been written solely for me. Suddenly, I realized that criticizing others and always having a quick response does nothing but hurt both parties. I was shining a spotlight on the flaws of others (which I'm sure they already knew) and causing myself to become even more cynical than before. I wasn't opening myself up to God and letting him show me how to truly communicate.

No, I may never be the 'strong, silent type', but I am continuing to learn how to listen and speak intentionally. Listening to what others have to say and what God has to say through them, and speaking to others in a positive, uplifting manner. Already I feel better and my relationships with those around me are feeling the benefit.

Because we're getting married in a garden, I wanted to avoid the traditional bouquet of flowers. So I think I have made my decision - some form of a succulent bouquet! I'm excited, I love the look of succulents & the fact that they won't wilt. AND you can spray paint them (hey, they're going to die anyway...) So, here are a few of the options I've found :)

my newest challenge

we'll see how this pans out...

*I should add to this why I am only using a dictionary and not a class. I was discussing with the Greek/Hebrew prof at IWU and she was telling me about a guy who knows like 80 languages fluently or something ridiculous like that. Well, his method is to learn a few thousand of the most popular words before he even begins with sentence structure. So, this is my attempt at his theory.

she's only happy in the sun

I feel as if I have not had a single minute alone in months (until now, when I am sitting in the office alone, with nothing to do, ready to scratch my eyes out from boredom). My mother gets married in exactly one month, and until said time, I will be running like a mad woman packing up my belongings, preparing my father's basement, and then moving in. Hopefully by then, the weather will be over this fickle back and forth of rain then sun and 45 then 80. This summer I would like to do a lot more of the following: ride my bike, take walks, drink tea, sit outside and enjoy the day, relax, figure out what I want to do for a living, read thought-provoking books, and discuss said books with people. I want to truly learn to embrace life this summer, because even though things get crazy and I feel like pulling my hair out, I have it SO good, and I don't recognize it often enough. I want to enjoy myself, and stop stressing the little things - it all falls into place eventually. I want to have a good summer, and let the good vibes continue on through fall and winter. If only it would stop raining...

For My Mom

Mother's day is tomorrow, so of course I'm reflecting a bit on the past year and how our relationship has changed. I've grown up a lot, and we've both had so many changes (what, with both of us being engaged and planning weddings). We've been through some tough times together this past year, with everything happening in Drew's life, we've clung to one another for support. My mom has always been my backbone. Even the times when she irritates me (and I, her) and when we seem too busy for one another, I know I would not be the woman I've become without her. She has taught me what it means to truly look ahead - learning from past mistakes, and never looking back. What it truly means to love and care for those around you - endlessly giving, expecting nothing in return. What it means to support your family and friends, even when it seems as if they've screwed up one too many times. What it means to love your enemies, sincerely complimenting people and listening to them, even though they make your skin crawl. What it means to be beautiful - inside and out, because when the outer beauty fades, the inner beauty is all you'll have. What it means to let NO ONE stand in the way of your dreams, pursuing them despite everyone's opinions. What it means to form my own opinions and beliefs, and not be timid to share them. What it means to not be afraid of my emotions, and always trust my gut.  My mother isn't perfect, and I'm so thankful for that. She is incredibly intelligent, beautiful, caring, loving, wise, talented, fun, and so many other things. She has raised me to be a strong and independent woman. She's talked me through hard times and danced with me in the kitchen. She taught me to let go and just have fun, even when nothing seems to be going right. She has supported every decision I've made, whether she agreed or not - letting me make my own mistakes. She has taught me to love without holding back. She loves me exactly as I am, never pressuring me to be better or do more, but always encouraging me to do my best. I hope that someday I'm half the mom she is. I hope she always knows how much I love & appreciate her.

Chi-town

For Christmas, I got Ethan tickets to William Fitzsimmons at Old Town School of Folk Music in Chicago. This past weekend was the show, and we had a blast. He is incredibly talented and down to earth. Here are the only two pictures I took the entire weekend we were there.

Before the show - we were SO close to the stage, it was awesome.

A little blurry, but we got to meet him afterward. He was so nice and appreciative that we drove 3 1/2 hours for the show and stayed after to meet him.

Go here to check him out & get his newest album Gold in the Shadow - you won't regret it!

my love

Today my father asked me if I was getting cold feet. I said no, definitely not, to which he responded (quite shocked, I might add) "really???". Not only did this little exchange irritate me, but it rather offended me. He felt the need to continue on with things like "it's not something to not take seriously, ya know?" Yes, dad, I know. But no offense, you're about the last person I'll be taking relationship/marriage advice from. As two people from divorced families, Ethan and I definitely know what not to do. With that said, this conversation sparked in me a memory of my favorite couple - Maurice & Madeline. When Maurice died, I felt a pain so deep, I thought it would never go away, and sometimes I still find myself with that same deep feeling of pain as the day he passed (tears are welling up in my eyes as I type this). But my pain was nothing compared to what Madeline must have felt and still feels today. When my mom asked her if she would ever date again - even for the sake of companionship - Madeline said no, Maurice was the love of her life and no one ever could or would replace him. Even now I can't imagine my life without Ethan. I literally have no idea what I would do without him - the thought makes my heart hurt (unfortunately, I am such a paranoid person, I worry every time one of us makes the 25 mile drive between us). He is the love of my life, no one could even come close to replacing him - I wouldn't want them to. I have never in my entire life been more sure of anything. Ethan is my Maurice. And whether or not my dad can see it, I am completely in love with him and I will spend the rest of my life figuring out what it takes to stay that way.

I mourned for the loss of innocent lives in 9/11. I mourn for the loss of a wicked man's soul. I mourn for those who loved them all. I mourn for what we consider justice. I mourn for the attitudes, actions, and behavior of my brothers and sisters in Christ. I mourn for the state of our people when we lower ourselves to those with whom we are in opposition - remembering the cheers of our 'enemies' when 9/11 was a success, and the all too familiar feeling when I see 'my people' acting just the same. I mourn it all.

my newest venture

I have a started a 'hair blog'. I'll be doing weekly tips/tricks/product reviews/etc. So go check it out :)

www.hairmeoutblog.com

thanks!!

So, I am a couple weeks behind on this post - but I am engaged!! Because I don't feel like writing the whole story (and I don't have all the pictures on me) I will give a short synopsis:

Ethan & I shared a wonderful, Italian dinner.
He wrote me a beautiful song that he played for me before proposing.
He designed me a gorgeous ring - better than anything I could've picked out.
He is the man of my dreams.
I am incredibly excited to start planning our life together.

A couple weeks ago my step-mom, Cyndi's, niece took her own life. She had been involved with drugs, and more recently alcohol, her entire life. It stunted her cognitive development, her reasoning skills were skewed. Her logic was just a little off. She had a husband who adored her, a family who supported her, and still she let her past get the best of her. Selfishly taking her life - in their home, leaving her husband to find her and clean up the mess (literally). I see my brother heading down this same path. He finds fault with everyone else - he couldn't have possibly made his own situation, he's angry about everything. He has the personality of a 16 year old (interestingly enough, about the time he started being involved with all these things). I hope with every fiber of my being that he can turn himself around and leave all of this in the past, that he can rise above what he thinks he deserves. That he can see people aren't out to get him, they've just been exhausted by trying to help him for over a year when he doesn't want to help himself. I pray he doesn't meet the same end that Julie did, but it scares the hell out of me that he will. He's in a very dark place right now.

Vogue

I got really worked up today while reading the 574-page "Power Issue". Lady Gaga was on the cover of said issue - for her bizarre outfits and 'bold' actions. As I looked through the magazine today I saw a whole slew of 15-year-old-esque models. (The irony? I flipped past a story about a mother and daughter who both had an eating disorder...wonder why?) A small handful almost portrayed a realistic body of a woman. How many women do you know that wear a 00 and A-cup bra? Yeah, about none. If we want to talk about power in a magazine that millions of ladies around the world are going to buy and read, why not talk about TRUE power? The power to love, and take care of, the body you were born with. The power to love the skin and hair color God gave you. The power to love YOUR OWN opinions, thoughts, feelings. The power to live out what you believe. The power to develop a beautiful personality, not just a beautiful exterior. Complaining about the media's portrayal of women seems like the epitome of beating a dead horse, but until that talk turns to action, I will continue to speak.

My Love

I suppose I could do a little post-Valentine's Day blog. Although we're not really into the whole Valentine's thing, Ethan & I wanted to make our first one together special. It managed to stretch over 2 weekends. The first going to dinner at Biaggi's and a little shopping at Jefferson Point. Then the actual weekend of, a nice dinner in, exchanging our gifts. I made Ethan a cake and little 'coupon book' ...guess I'll be doing a lot of cooking and back rubs in the near future. He gave me a single rose Friday night with the first line of a song he wrote for me. Then, on Monday I received another beautiful bouquet of flowers with the second line of the song. I've been instructed to keep the lyrics with me as I'll be getting the rest periodically. Not sure what he has in mind - but the gifts can continue! :) Really, I was just glad to have a special day set aside to celebrate us. Away from the chaos of our lives, just sit and realize how blessed we are to have found each other. This year, I was a victim to the greeting card industry.

things I want to do (better):

- love people
- become a barista
- write on my blog more often
- do more, instead of just talking
- save money, spend intentionally
- take better care of my body
- work harder
- learn to use Photoshop
- yoga
- speak more intentionally
- voice my opinion when it matters
- cook/bake more
- learn to use Ethan's camera
- make something fantastic
- paint a room
- learn Latin
- listen better, talk less
- organize my life
- have a better attitude
- travel
- make more lists...

i know, i'm disgusting

i got bored with gimp, cut me some slack.

Cabin Fever

This time of year is almost always my least favorite. Basically all I want to do is stand outside, I don't even need an activity, just the sun's warmth on my skin. These next couple months will be long ones. My legs are feeling claustrophobic. That is all.

1 year ago today..

Nick was diagnosed with leukemia. I remember like it was yesterday standing in the break room at work reading the text from Michael. I couldn't breathe, my heart hurt. I left work early, drove to Ryan's, and cried on his bed. It was a life-changing moment for all of us. Nick has come so far from that point, yet he still has far to go on the road to a full recovery. He's taught me so much: to make the most of my time, to never take anything for granted, and most importantly to see the good side of any situation. I don't have much else to say, except that I thank God for letting me keep one of my best friends longer; and I pray He never lets me forget what I've learned from this experience.