the kenosis~

"Jesus offered his body and flesh to Judas (the betrayer). Jesus cried for forgiveness for those harming him. Jesus did not boycott the gay community. Jesus did not have employment (or look for employment) for at least three years. Jesus was a Jew. Jesus had nowhere to lay his head (was he homeless?). Jesus reconciled zealots, government workers, business owners, doctors, and more. Jesus was a criminal. Jesus paid his taxes when the money was pulled from the mouth of a fish. Jesus drank wine (55-gallon jugs sometimes)."


This is an excerpt from my big brother's (Heath) most recent blog post. Check it out - he's brilliant, I promise you won't be disappointed.

Here is just a little blurb of my fabulous Christmas :)

Ethan & I had seven, yes seven, Christmases to attend - and surprisingly, they all went smoothly enough with very little frustration (with our families, not each other).

Ethan, being the wonderful boyfriend he is, got me an iPhone for Christmas...cleverly disguised in a french press (which I desperately needed).
I have been whining about an iPhone for, like, forever. I had no expectation of getting one so I was thoroughly surprised when I pulled my french press out of it's box and an iPhone fell out from underneath it :) He is amazing.

Heath & Hillary came home for Christmas, and Ethan & I were able to take them to dinner Sunday night. It was good to just hang out and relax with them while enjoying some delicious Taj Mahal. I am so, so thankful that Ethan is friends with them already, their approval/support is so important to me.

That's our Christmas in a nutshell - regardless of the chaos, I thank God we were able to spend time with our families and have a little relaxation.

Happy New Years :)

I've been so caught up with myself lately I haven't had time to really think of anyone else. I've been focused on what I want, what I need, what's going on in my life, that it's pretty sickening. Yesterday, Ethan had a show at the 509. I always forget how much I love hearing him play and sing until it actually happens. He warms my heart with his voice. Back to the point - his old band had a sort of impromptu reunion at the show. I've never heard them play together and I was blown away by their talent, it was such a good time. During the show, it hit me how much (specifically) two of the guys may be hurting. One of the guys, a good friend of Ethan's, is in the middle of divorcing his wife - whom he married 1 year & 1 day ago. They have been together for a total of 7 years. You think after that amount of time you know someone, until you don't, and you find out she's been with someone else. I literally cannot fathom what he must have felt when he first knew. Thinking about it made my heart hurt so much. Why do people hurt each other? You don't love him anymore - find ANY other way than cheating on him...like, oh, maybe not marrying him? But what do I know (a lot on this subject and divorce, actually).

On to the other guy - he is a mutual friend of Ethan & I, he has been at the 509 since Heath started there a little over 5 years ago. Recently he tried to take his own life. Thank God, he was unsuccessful. It's awful to realize someone is in so much pain when they can bring those around them so much joy. His quirky personality and contagious smile have always brightened my day. His generosity has brought opportunities to my brother that he may not have had otherwise. Every time I think about it my heart breaks, I want with everything inside of me for him to see himself the way everyone else does. But I suppose only time and God can make that happen. I guess my point is that, even though it's hard to not get caught up in yourself during the holidays - your plans, your gifts, your family, your friends, your wants - try to look at those around you and see where they are hurting and what you can do. Maybe it's nothing more than praying for someone, but let's always always always be aware of those around us, in every way we can. Thus ends my jumbled thoughts.

So, it has come to be that because I have made good decisions in my life, work hard, and don't have any illegitimate children, I am going to have a much harder time than those who don't fit that description. My oh-so-wonderful father has once again decided to put me into a financial pickle. He has realized that because I am 21 and no longer in school, he doesn't have to pay child support anymore. This may not sound as bad as it is, my father's child support checks have been used solely for paying my car loan & auto insurance. He has so gracefully offered to keep me on his health insurance for a "bit longer" until I can afford it on my own (gee, thanks dad). This has only furthered my very strong opinion that my father has no idea what it means to raise a child - it far surpasses fulfilling what little legal obligations you may have and realizing that helping people, especially your children, might be a more beneficial than having a comfortable retirement and a fancy remote starter. Quit being so surprised that your children are distant and non-communicative when you do little to act like a true father. I will give him a small amount of credit for offering to sit down with me and look through my finances, with the possibility of still helping me (we'll see how that actually turns out).

As I started to explore my options for health insurance I was presented with the idea of HIP. This is not the ideal situation in my mind, I would love nothing more than to afford a normal policy on my own, but that isn't going to happen. This seemed way too good to be true, well guess what - it is. Our lovely governor, Mitch Daniels (I'll save my rant on his awful decision making skills for another time), has reserved almost all of the HIP funds for single mothers. Please explain to me how it works that I have managed to NOT be a statistic, yet I still can't catch a break for working in an industry where I will never be provided with any sort of benefits? Even though I work full time and pay all my bills when they're actually due (more than I can say for most people of any age). Doesn't exactly make sense.

On a brighter note, Drew will be home tomorrow, Heath & Hillary will get to come home for Christmas, and there are only 2 more days until the weekend - a little happiness for my day.

So today I was thinking about relationships and what’s “logical”. I’ve always told myself that once I got to a point that I was thinking about marriage I would always play it smart. Always have my own money, my own life, my own goals, my own aspirations. I would always keep myself guarded enough that if anything bad happened I would be okay.

As I considered this thought process, I realized that leaves no room for REAL love. What is love if you don’t trust that person with absolutely everything you have. No doubt it leaves you much more vulnerable for the rest of your life, but it also allows the experience of loving someone with no barriers. This is not to say that losing identity is the essence of love, but bringing those two identities together to form something even more beautiful.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is, I’m done being guarded and scared. I’m done being so worried about making sure I keep what is mine and give it to no one else. Maybe someday I will be completely devastated, but I can rejoice in the fact that I loved in a way only possible by giving myself wholly to someone else.

This past weekend was so crazy and eventful, here it is in short:

-Ethan had 2 shows in Michigan this weekend, so early Friday afternoon we started out on the 3 1/2 hour drive. We arrived in Rockford (near GR) at Epic Coffee House.

-We stayed at Ethan's friend, Jon's, parents house that night. It was an incredible house and I was overwhelmed by their love and hospitality. They made sure we were well taken care of on our stay and Jon even made us pancakes the next morning. Awesome!

-Saturday night was another show at Guido's Coffee Lounge in Owosso (near Lansing). The turn out for the show was so good. I think like 60 people packed in a not-so-spacious room to listen to some good music. Ethan played such a great show - I even caught a couple high school girls mouthing to each other, "wow! he is soooo good" :) brought me a little laugh. The people there were so supportive, many overpaid for CDs just to contribute to our gas tank.

-I met so many incredible people over the weekend. I'm quite positive I've never felt so comfortable and welcome with a group of strangers. Jon's dad prayed over us before we left, which was unexpected but still awesome and appreciated. We finally got home at 1:00 am and basically fell into bed.

-Today we picked up the kittens that mom & I got. Two little girlies - mine, Lux, and mom's, Chloe. It was quite the fiasco picking them up. Four of us were running around a garage trying to catch Chloe as she darted underneath cars and riding mowers. Lux has adapted quicker because I held her the entire hour we were chasing the other. Chloe is still a bit timid, but warming up quickly. Pictures soon (I'm much too tired right now).

-That's all for tonight, folks. I am off to bed!

Today

is Gay Spirit Day, so wear purple. Not because you support gay marriage (I do, in case you were wondering) or because you're gay (I'm not), but because every human being deserves equal rights. This isn't a religious issue, nor should it have ever been, it is a civil rights issue. We think we've come so far, yet we deny basic rights to a certain group of people because we think that's what God wants. Find all the "anti-gay" verses you like, I've heard them all. I'll show you twice as many about loving others. "Marriage is sacred", "They chose to live that way, they can help it", "They should just get over it, everyone gets bullied" ...seriously? If it was your child/sibling/friend being bullied to the point of suicide, would you still feel that way? Then, there's my personal favorite, "If we let them get married, then people will start marrying their cats." Get a grip, please. How does it effect you in any real way? It doesn't invalidate your marriage or your relationship because homosexual ones are accepted. It doesn't effect you at all, besides building up bitterness and hatred towards thousands of people you've never met. My heart breaks for the people still fighting for civil rights (not just gays) - I thought this was over. Get off your high horse, love those around you (regardless of sexual orientation), and put on a purple shirt.

My entire life upon asking the question, "How did you know he/she was 'the one'?"

I received the answer, "I just knew"

To which I typically responded, "Ha.. oookay" and proceeded to walk away.

But now I get it; I just know. That's literally the only way I can explain it and I wouldn't have it any other way. Trying to do so would make it a little less beautiful.

All I can say is, thank you, God.

this is me right now :(

:)

the good Samaritan

Mom and I had a discussion last night about being generous and how people use their money. One of the people we talked about was a particular person who I feel is pretty awful. Seeing or thinking about him makes my blood boil and my stomach turn. He took advantage of my mom in a situation where she was broken and hurting - that equates to awful in my book. Anyways, as awful as he may be, he's incredibly generous. Anything we needed, he was there. Whether it was for the correct motives or not, there were times we wouldn't have gotten through without his help.

On the other hand, there is my father. He is, seemingly, a good person. He does what he is supposed to do, says what he is supposed to say, and would never step out of line (trust me, the rules are the rules, you don't break them under any circumstance). Yet, he is just about the least generous person I know. He thinks that by doing his job he is helping people. I seem to disagree, if you're getting paid a substantial amount for something, you're not exerting too much to help anyone. I see giving as a selfless act, something that doesn't give you a paycheck at the end of the week. Asking my father to do anything (more recently, cosign on my car loan, to which he declined) is like asking for his first born. It seriously kills him to help anyone, especially financially. He has to make sure he gets his and no one else gets something they don't deserve.

This is pretty infuriating. Why is it that someone who portrays everything I stand against is so giving to people in need? Yet someone who tries to embody all that is "Christian" wouldn't think twice about seeing someone in need and walking right by. Have we learned absolutely nothing from the Bible? If anything, I've learned that it doesn't matter what race or religion someone is, if they need help I should help them. It's that simple. Yes, I work hard for my money, but my needs are met and some people's aren't. Why should I not do everything in my power to make sure everyone is okay? Sure, maybe I'll get taken advantage of more than once, but in the end I can say I've tried my best to help every person I encountered. That doesn't sound so bad to me.


"And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'"  -Matthew 25:40

good

I love this

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me’” 

— Erma Bombeck

from Josh:

"I'm watching SaTC the movie...Basically I want to say that I love you forever, dear. Forever and ever :)"

I love my friends, a lot :)

do as you please, I'll back you up

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with meaningless conversations at work that I just need a really good one. This weekend was filled with really good talks, and music, and people, and walks, and food, and drinks, and movies...and I loved it. I'm really happy. And I'm really thankful for the people in my life.

And sometimes, all I can say is "thanks, God" ...things work out for the best, always.

I'm Sorry

I've never liked you. I think you're rude, self-centered, immature, negative, and paranoid. I make it clear I'm not thrilled to be in your presence. I scoff at your outrageous statements. I call out your ignorance. I talk about you behind your back. I don't even try to comprehend why any of my friends could possibly enjoy being around you. I apologize, sincerely. I pray that God shows me how to love you and accept you for who you are, with all of your shortcomings. I have them too, I've just been ignoring the plank.

I run to you

I have phenomenal friends. It's been a hard month and I appreciate the people surrounding me. I've been really tense and difficult to deal with lately - I realize that - and I can't thank them enough for just being there. For listening and comforting when all I could do was complain or cry. I know everything will be okay, sometimes I just get lost in the smaller picture. So for the times that happens, thanks for reminding me about the bigger one.

Random Bits of Information

1. Practice tonight went really well. It was stressful, only because Ronnie & I are both stressed in other areas of our lives and we had a tough time 'leaving our problems at the door'. But seeing the smiles of those girls makes me feel so blessed just to be a part of this at all.

2. I'm really hoping that by the weekend I'll have a car. A guy is going to auction for me Thursday & Friday, if he doesn't find anything we'll be going to negotiate the original car I liked.

3. Heath & Hillary are adjusting well, I'm incredibly proud of them and so glad they are pursuing their dreams. I've only recently realized how hard it must've been for Hillary to put her dreams on hold for 5 years to let Heath pursue his. I admire her for that.

4. Drew goes to court Wednesday, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. It hurts my heart to see him this way.

5. The movie (and the book) Green Mile almost always brings tears to my eyes. I hate more than anything seeing people treated poorly/unjustly.

6. I started reading The Winter of Our Discontent by John Steinbeck. I was really excited because I loved the other 2 books of his that I've read, unfortunately I just cannot get into it. I felt a little better when I asked Heath and he agreed that it was incredibly boring.

7. I am confused. I am unsure of my place in life. I am feeling directionless. I am lost. I am missing my family and friends. I am broke. Yet, I am content. I am just happy to be alive.

I like this

I'manerd.

baby boy & me snuggling

today, I had to say goodbye to him :(

the girl is a friend of a friend

she has a huge yard with woods

and 2 other boxers

he will be happy

let's talk about sex?

Recently, I had a discussion with a friend about all sorts of life issues. The conversation, as they so often do, turned to the topic of sex. He told me that he believed Christian couples, married or not, use birth control as a cop out to "enjoy the pleasure of sex without having to face the consequences". Right at first I saw where he was coming from and thought, how arrogant of us to take that into our own hands (my inner Catholic wanted to have its say). Within about 5 minutes I was in strong opposition to his statement.

My issue with this statement (there are many): Why should married couples be forced to have children? I said to him, "What if a couple gets married but doesn't want to have children yet?" His response, "Then why get married?" Wait...what? Let's say a couple knows they aren't cut out to be parents, but they're madly in love. They don't deserve to be married? Let's say a couple would like to spend time working on their marriage for a few years before having children. They should just keep dating forever? Get real. It was suggested that there are "natural" methods of birth control, like tracking a woman's cycle. I'm not sure if you know much about a woman's cycle, but that doesn't leave much "action" for anyone.

What I'm saying is, I'm not getting married to be abstinent. Nor am I getting married to become that family on TLC with a thousand children. Why can't I get married because I fall in love? Call me crazy, but I didn't understand the sole reason of sex to be procreation.

I feel as though saying taking birth control is putting it in your own hands instead of God's, would be like saying you shouldn't go to the doctor. Didn't God create the people who became doctors for our benefit? Not to say every medical procedure is justifiable because "God made the doctor", but keeping people who shouldn't have children from becoming parents sounds good to me.

gets me every time

I just finished the seasons of Sex & the City (for about the zillionth time) and I'm going to share my favorites of the last season.

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."


"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."







...what can I say, I'm a sucker?

I'm not serious enough

Sure, sometimes I'm witty and sarcastic. Maybe it's how I deal with the occasional awkward situation, but it's not always a way to 'keep people out'. I'm hard to get to know, but my friends know the real me very well. I'm not going to justify joking around or the fact that I love horror films. That's part of who I am, so don't pull out your psychological bullshit saying it's 'just a defense mechanism'. Thanks for the free analysis, though.

what is love?

I seem to have this issue where I develop a crush on someone and find it really hard to reverse those feelings. Almost always it's the typical "perfect guy" and even though the evidence stacks up that he's so totally wrong for me, I still continue telling myself I need to get to know him better to really be sure. Why do greatly differing perspectives on important issues not get the point across for me? I keep chasing after this perfect image of a guy. I'm getting tired.

Sometimes

I look at those around me (Heath) and wonder:

"why can't I figure out my gift?"

Last Sunday I said goodbye to my sister.

Yesterday I said goodbye to my brother.

Saturday I will say goodbye to my dog.

WORST 2 WEEKS EVER.

Hey Guys

Sometimes I remember to update the other blog, so go check it out!

I test drove this today (well, one exactly like it).

I'm not sure anything else will suffice.

A 2010 Camaro for those of you behind the times.

then Megan said:

"I'm ready for you to stop feeling like you need to support someone every 5 seconds so you can create your own life."

hmm, there's a thought...

party van...

...with a tape deck...

...playin' some good tunes...

...makes for happy people :)

RIP

Today I hit a deer..really hard.

I'm going to go ahead and say it's totaled.

So now I'm driving my Dad's old van until I can get a car.

I'm fine, the deer is not.

I've never hit a deer before; I was absolutely terrified.

Cyndi says it's a "blessing in disguise"...

I'll just keep telling myself that.

Update

I (once again) laid everything out for the very nice woman at Sallie Mae (who didn't even make me want to yell at her once). By some incredible miracle my payments have gone from $264/mo with 12% & 9% interest to $174/mo with 1% interest. Yes, you read that correctly: ONE PERCENT! The payment isn't ideal, but I'll take it. Especially because I no longer feel as though someone is shoving my head under water.

Frustrated

I've been planning to go back to college either in January or next Fall. Also, I've been planning to move out of Mom's house sometime relatively soon. In order to do so, I requested that my Sallie Mae payments be lowered from $264/mo to $75/mo, considering my monthly income after expenses is $200. Apparently, Sallie Mae couldn't give a shit less how much money I (don't) have, because they rejected my request to lower my payments. I know that worrying about it will solve nothing, but I have literally no idea how I'll be making these payments. I guess I can say goodbye to college and ever moving out of this place. I need a miracle.

the best thing Nick's ever said to me

"People make mistakes."

...sometimes I need to be reminded.

Fed up

I am so sick of hearing excuses. There's always a "logical reason" for why people do or don't do certain things or act a particular way. "I have no money because I don't have a good job", "I can't love someone because I've been hurt in the past", "I'm a total bitch to everyone because nothing ever goes my way", "I'm lazy and love to do drugs because my father never showed me love". At some point you just have to GET OVER IT. You cannot let your past dictate your future. You don't have money because you don't manage it well. You can't love because you're dwelling on the past. You're a total bitch because you're self-centered and refuse to take blame. You're lazy and do drugs because you haven't developed coping skills. I'm just so tired of everyone copping out of responsibility for their actions. Of course, no one ever wants to admit they've done something wrong or handled a situation incorrectly, but sometimes you've just got to suck it up. I hate admitting I am ever in the wrong, but I'm learning to do so for the sake of my friendships, others around me, and my own sanity. What good does it do to wallow in self pity? Constantly acting as if you're always the one being wronged. It's your life, no one can change it or make it better for you.

The true way to my heart?

Buy me tickets to Paul Simon & Bob Dylan..it's pretty possible I'd marry whoever did this on the spot. Or at least be really happy.

Self Respect

I stand behind what I believe. I will not lower my standards or bend my morals for someone else. I've realized that hiding or changing who I am to impress someone else is a waste of time. If my beliefs or my life style make you uncomfortable or seem crazy to you, that's fine. If you can't accept everything about me, you don't deserve anything from me. I'm tired of trying to act perfect, because I'm not. Reading Eat Pray Love (yeah yeah, I enjoyed it) made me realize something. No matter how much I want to change things about me, I can't. I'll never be stick thin with perfect legs. I'll never be the quiet type. I'll never be the girl to go crazy over babies or weddings. I'll never care about my makeup or my nails. I'll absolutely never be the type to keep my opinions to myself. These are things I'm slowly learning to accept about myself. And if someone else can't accept them, then they don't deserve all the other fantastic things I have to offer.

Old

Both of my parents (along with other various relatives) are in this picture, can you find them?

i'll miss this

Yes, it's dark and blurry. Yes, I look like Jason Mraz.
But these people mean more to me than life itself.

the more I see, the less I know

I stayed up until 3 a.m. just talking with Nick. We talked about life, love, God, friends, and everything in between. I am so thankful to have friends I can openly talk to about things, people to figure out this journey with. I really don't know where I'd be without them.

Heathie.2

My big brother has started a blog. Go here to be overwhelmed with the eloquence of his speech. Just kidding, but really..check it out. He is starting a brand new chapter in his life and cataloguing his thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. in a way I have never experienced. It'll be worth your time, I promise. Take a look into this mind.

East of Eden

I just finished it last night. I can't believe it's taken me this long to do so, it was so good. I find myself wishing people still spoke with that kind of language, it seems more powerful..or something. It toyed with my emotions more than any book I can remember. One minute I wanted to cry, the next I was laughing. Here are a few of my favorite quotes:

"The proofs that God does not exist are very strong, but in lots of people they are not as strong as the feeling that He does."

"Ladies were not ladies anymore, and you couldn't trust a gentleman's word."

"You are one of the rare people who can separate your observation from your preconception. You see what is, where most people see what they expect."

"There are no ugly questions except those clothed in condescension."

"A kind of light spread out from her. And everything changed color. And the world opened out. And a day was good to awaken to. And there were no limits to anything. And the people of the world were good and handsome. And I was not afraid anymore."

"I believe a strong woman may be stronger than a man, particularly if she happens to have love in her heart. I guess a loving woman is almost indestructible."

"He loved a celebration of the human soul. Such things were like personal triumph to him."

"Tom's cowardice was as huge as his courage, as it must be in great men. His violence balanced his tenderness. And himself was a pitted battlefield of his own forces."

"In uncertainty I am certain that underneath their topmost layers of frailty men want to be good and want to be loved. Indeed, most of their vices are attempted short cuts to love."

"They say a clean cut heals soonest. There's nothing sadder to me than associations held together by nothing but the glue of postage stamps. If you can't see or touch a man, it's best to let him go."

"I don't want to know how it comes out. I only want to be there while it's going on."

Yes, Please

Read this, now.

As I read this article I was presented with a concept that is far from new to me, but one I've almost always ignored. It's only been recently that the concept of simplicity has become so appealing. I'm tired of being surrounded by meaningless stuff. Sure, I like my shoes...but how many of them do I wear consistently? Maybe 10, at the very most (seasons combined). The size of my wardrobe is completely ridiculous and I have more useless items than any 30 people should own collectively.

The girl in the article is pretty extreme with her purging of 'stuff', but it's also inspiring. I would love nothing more than to live in a clutter-free 400 sq ft apartment with whomever I marry. My only non-negotiable item? My piano. It's my escape from the world (when no one is home to listen, of course), that's something I'm not willing to give up. Other than that, I'm kind of sick of having so many things. Although I love what I do, I wish I didn't work in an industry so caught up with appearance. Otherwise, I'd own minimal amounts of clothing. Maybe I should change professions.

RRL

I love this too much.

Florida.2

It happens to be I have so much to say, that I have nothing to say at all. So, I will just post some more Florida pictures.

the beach..not awful

farmer's market - so good!

at an outside mall enjoying the musical stylings of Billy Bones

coldstone (for the first time) with my new friends :)

The Big Tree

Ok, I lied. I'm uploading one of my own pictures. One of my first days in Florida, Megan was off working so her friends were trying desperately to entertain me (they'd yet to realize I'm not difficult to please). They took me to part of the island where there is a museum and really cool scenery. They said "we have to take her to see the big tree!" My interest was sparked...
Here is what I saw:

I'm not sure if you can tell, but the roots are out of the ground so much that they are basically the entirety of the bottom half of the tree. I was in awe. It looked like the perfect place to sit and read a book all day. Or to get married (which unfortunately, they do not allow). I have to say, it was one of my favorite places I visited while there.

Florida

Here are just a few pictures from Florida - ones that Megan has sent me, because I'm too lazy to hook my camera up right now.

from the top:

Craig & I

Megan & I

Megan, Craig, & I

Nora (my new friend) & I

Needless to say, I enjoyed myself :)

Ma gurL

the epitome of our friendship...and my skills with iPhoto.

New Jersey

I might need to be accompanied (along with Hillary), so that I can drive back in time to be at Heath's last Sunday. Who's in to be my driving partner?

Sunday's Sunset

brought a smile to my face :)

Have a little faith in me, I have a little faith in you

I am emotionally drained. I try with every fiber of my being to let these things pass by me without having a negative effect, but it's gotten to be too much.  The poor attitude, harsh tone of voice, and entitled mind set do nothing but wear everyone out. You are owed nothing by anyone, yet anything given to you is taken without appreciation. I am becoming resentful towards you for sucking the energy out of everyone around. I wish I could fix this, please realize that I didn't cause this to happen. I want to love and help you. I want to be there for you in any way that I can, but please stop expecting it and just be grateful. The frustration is bringing me to tears.




And when the rain falls down
You know the flowers are gonna bloom
And when the hard times come
You know the teacher's in the room
And when the sun comes up
You know that I'll be there for you
-MF

YAYAY

LOOK HOW LONG MY HAIR IS!

Heathie

He leaves in a little over a month. We have never been this far apart for longer than 6 months. I'm officially freaking out.

I Promise

I was just asked "So what do you do in the driving part of the test to get your license?"

Really? Well, I'm going to take a really crazy guess and say...you drive.

Such is my life.

Financial Stress

Worst. Feeling. Ever. All I want is to pay off this school loan and never speak to Sallie Mae again. Really, I wouldn't even mind it so much if the people I talked to when I called spoke clear English. I don't think that's much to ask. I may or may not have bit a woman's head off over the phone today. Meh, that's what happens when I'm transfered 6 times and given different information from each person. Hopefully this will all be worked out by morning.

I hope to God this is a joke..

My little (18 year old) cousin got his even littler (16 year old) girlfriend pregnant. Much to everyone's dismay, but hey..what can you do? She's flaunting it all over facebook with 8 week ultrasound pictures and what not. So I get on facebook today and see this posted as her status:

Kaysi Miller this is Chaz Cox.. i just want everyone to know that i love kaysi. she is my everything. and we have our differences but we're going to work everything out. i proposed to her today and she said yes :) we'll be sure to send everyone la invitaciones when we get them. i love her so much and we will work out everything. i love you kaysi! forever and always!


YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!?!?

Crackers

We all went out last night for April's bachelorette party. First we had dinner at Mama Carolla's then went to the late show at Crackers. I usually have never heard of the people there (apparently I don't watch enough television), but to my surprise I knew the guys last night. They were 2 of the stars from the sitcom My Boys. Decent show, but they were both really funny. Over the course of the show I developed a little crush on Mike, nevermind that he's twice my age.

That would be Mike right there next to me. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a sense of humor & a receding hair line.

It's been a long time coming..

I sat in silence, looking around my room. Realizing how much I've changed in a short year. To where my values and priorities have shifted. The people I now care about, and the ones I no longer do. The things I now spend my time doing, instead of what I used to. I'm not sure how or when this change took place, but I'm really glad it did.

:) :)

Tonight was the first meeting for the Shining Stars, the cheerleading program I'm helping to start at MHS. Id been psyching myself out with worries that no one would show up. Well, 3 people came. This may not seem like a lot, but I was nearly brought to tears with the positive reactions of the parents. They briefly expressed how few chances their children were given to participate in anything like this and how grateful they were to finally have the opportunity. One of the parent's said she'd take fliers to Oak Hill(where her daughter attends) if we made some up, she is sure more kids would want to be involved. I am more excited than ever to really get this started!

Ugh

It's been a long day. I've seen too many tears. I'm going to lay down, watch Big Fish, and pretend everything is normal.

Amazing

Salad Spinner Turned Centrifuge

Slow down everyone..

I feel like I've been busy and will continue to be busy the next few weeks. I'm not complaining, I just love to relax hah. Tomorrow night is the first meeting for the cheerleading program; I am terrified. I want so bad for this to be successful and all I picture is me walking into the library and seeing 2 people or, better yet, no one. I need to calm down.

In other news, my mother has discussed moving to North Carolina - depending on the way certain things work out. I'm really not sure how I feel about this, we've never lived more than an hour from each other. As much as I've always wanted to get out of Marion, it's my home and I currently have too many things happening here to just up and leave. I need to at least see these things through. I doubt I'd ever move to NC, but I'm at a point where I can pretty much go wherever or do whatever I want, I have no obligations to anyone. I guess this is a part of growing up...I'm not sure I like it yet.

Also, too many weddings.

He's the Swayze-est

Patrick Swayze embodies all that is man in Dirty Dancing.

All I want

is a complete lack of drama. I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by it, even though I avoid it at all costs. What is the draw to someone with which you are NEVER at peace...can we stop being 12, please? Some of us have bigger things to worry about than your frivolous scuffles. Thanks.

Jack

hugging his big bird puppet I got him in Fl :)

Miracles Happen..

Now that I've had a very long, hot shower and a chance to brush my teeth..I've regrouped my thoughts and have a solid story to write. As you know, I've been in Florida - the flight there was my first flight ever. Megan, her boyfriend, and I decided to drive back to save a little money...well, here's what happened.

We didn't leave Palm Beach until 7:30pm Tuesday, much to my dismay due to my lack of night vision. I drove the first three hours and then Jonny, Megan's boyfriend, took over while she rested up for her shift. I couldn't sleep so I just kept him company while he drove. Megan had just woken up at about 2am when we started to feel the car vibrate a bit, almost like driving over the rumble strip...except that we weren't. Then the car started swerving and I ask what's going on, thinking(hoping) Jonny was messing around. All he replies with is, "Girls, hold on!" So I did. We spun across I-75 in Georgia from the left lane to the right shoulder, somehow avoiding the 4 cars directly behind us - one of which being a semi. The back right tire had blown. We drove 3 miles on the shoulder to the nearest exit with a hotel. We got to the tire place first thing in the morning, thankfully the rim hadn't been bent from the drive, but all 4 tires did need to be replaced due to the spinning. I literally have no idea how we got out of it alive, all I can say is THANK GOD. Now I sleep.

Church

I went with Megan yesterday to the service she usually attends. It wasn't too bad, a little big for my taste, I'm more into the smaller, personal setting. I was enjoying it until it got to the end and he asked people to pray the "salvation prayer" if they never had - okay, still not bad. THEN we get to the end of the prayer and he asks everyone to raise their hand if they prayed that prayer and come forward so he could give them a Bible. Am I the only one that finds things like this slightly annoying? Maybe because I feel like so many pastors love to say "We saved ___ people this Sunday!!!" How arrogant of you. Perhaps the words God spoke through you saved them, but YOU didn't do it. I don't know, it just seems a little strange to me.

how good does it feel to not do my hair for a WHOLE week?

better than words can describe.

I'm in the newspaper!!

Go here to read the article! :)

Advice

This piece was presented as Kurt Vonnegut's commencement address at MIT in 1997. It's great stuff, but apparently it wasn't written or delivered by Vonnegut. It's still a beautiful piece...

---

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Also

Everyone drives here. I want my bike, so bad.

This got way longer than I intended..

I made it to Florida alive; flying wasn't nearly as bad as I made it out to be in my head. The only thing that was awful was about a million screaming children in every direction. Dear, sweet little Richard (April's son) who flew with me, didn't see a need to stop talking from 3am to 12pm, that was loads of fun. Did I mention I'm not a morning person? Oh well, I was glad to have a little sidekick in the insane Atlanta airport. Speaking of the Atlanta airport...we were sitting in a little restaurant getting some breakfast when young Richard looks up and sees some Middle Eastern women walking past. Now, Richard is only 10 and the type of child that will say anything, literally. So all I can think is "please don't notice, please don't notice"...yeah, he noticed. He says, not quiet might I add, "THAT'S SO COOL! THEY HAVE BANDANNAS ALL OVER THEM! WHY DO THEY DO THAT?! BRITTNEY LOOK AT THOSE BANDANNAS! THEY'RE SO COOL!" Luckily, I don't think any of the women heard, but I'm sure someone in the crowded restaurant did, but hey, what can you do?

So far, West Palm is nice, but I haven't experienced enough of it yet to make a judgment. Megan is in Miami getting things set up for Flugtag, the Red Bull event happening on Saturday. I'm still in West Palm with her friend Nora and I'm really hoping we can just do some shopping or something today. The beach sounds nice, just not right now, it's SO hot out.

Also, turns out it'll just be Megan and I driving back to Indiana and her boyfriend will not be joining us. I'm kind of disappointed to lose an extra driver, but I'm looking forward to some girl time on the way back!

Aaaaand lastly, on Monday, Craig Poe is driving 2 hours to come visit! I'm actually pretty excited, I don't think I've seen him since his graduation open house over 2 years ago and we were pretty good friends. That is all, I'm off to attempt to sleep a little more perhaps? Have a lovely day :)

Approximately

5 hours until I leave Marion and head to Indy for my flight. I've never flown before. I might puke. By noon I will be in Florida and not caring, let's hope this goes quick.

God Bless America?

"Wow- we have a responsibility to our Founding Fathers and as Christians to vote and participate to protect the God given commandments and liberties of freedom which are being “legislated” away. I hope every American learns our true history, fights to bring prayer back into schools, works to revitalize charity and proclaims loudly, GOD BLESS AMERICA!"


Statements like this really bother me. If your allegiance is to God, it should be to nothing else - not a president or a country. You shouldn't need permission to pray or a charity set in place to help someone. Also, why should Americans be blessed? Simply for being American, obviously. We deserve the blessing because we earned the right to be born into this country (those folks across the border definitely did not). We earned it with our greedy and apathetic behavior. We earned it by sticking our nose where it doesn't belong and killing innocent people. My point is that to assume we should be blessed over another country because we are American is asinine. I'll assume God isn't going to categorize us in Heaven by our nationality - who knows though, maybe He will and we'll get in first...but probably not.

Super Mario

Super Mario Beatbox @ Yahoo! Video

the wisdom's in the trees

a. I've grown to hate driving. I only enjoy it for the music.
b. I want a Garelli. It would be fun.
c. I love my bike.
d. I like walking my dog, a lot.
e. I leave in 4 DAYZ!

This would suffice.

There is

a level of ridiculous I can handle. It has been far surpassed. Wednesday can't come soon enough.

She's only happy in the sun..

Today was my idea of perfect weather. If it was like this every day of the year, I'm not sure I could ever be sad. With that said, I'm off to walk my baby boy...he needs to quit being so lazy.

Random

Mom, Mark, and I went up to Huntington last night to have dinner with Heath & Hillary for Mom's birthday. We had so much fun, it's nice to just sit and enjoy each other's company with no agenda. I realized last night that I'm probably going to totally lose it when they leave - seeing as how it's 2 months away. Buuuut, all is not lost. If Hill gets into Rutgers, I'll be driving out with her the end of August because her classes start before Heath's and I'll be flying out for my 21st birthday to celebrate it right in NYC :) I'm already starting to freak out a bit, but I'm so excited for both of them that it doesn't matter.

In other news, my room has become so atrocious that dear, sweet Anna is coming over after work to put her OCD to good use and help me clean. I'm so grateful...I can barely walk from my door to my bed.

Also, Heath made some black bean & corn wrap things last night and I love them. So much. I want to eat them everyday.

Lastly, I'll be flying on my first commercial flight ever in 8 days...but I'm so ready for a vacation that I don't have time to get nervous.

Me Ma

Today is her birthday, a good day to remember how much I love her. No matter what we've been through and how many times we just want to shake each other out of frustration, I couldn't ask for a better mom. She worked herself silly while I was growing up to make sure I had everything I wanted (pretty crazy when I look back on the kind of money she spent while still sending us to a private school). No matter what happened, no matter what rude remarks people chose to make to her under the circumstances, she NEVER let us know anything was wrong. She opened up our home to any and everyone that wanted to come over - with the promise of no judgment. She scraped up money to buy pizza and pop whenever we'd have friends at the house, often times keeping a stock full of Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper. Most of my friends called her mom and still do to this day. I remember one situation in particular. I had made a friend on the cheerleading squad the summer before I went to MHS. She was a fun loving girl, who got into a situation and found herself pregnant. She'd only met my mom a couple of times, but as soon as she found out she asked if it'd be okay to go talk to my mom about it - because she knew she wouldn't be scolded, but loved. My mom is an incredible woman; she has taken her trials, whether self-made or God-given, and turned them into positives by learning and moving forward. I hope someday to become half the person she is.

the circle of your friends will defend the silver lining

I am around people all day long at work. I also meet friends of friends pretty often now that everyone I know is in college. The more I experience other people, the more thankful I am for the people in my life. I was blessed with some good ones.

The last thing

I want after a long day at work is small talk. Being bombarded by meaningless conversation drives me nutty. I engage in small talk ALL day at work - give me real conversation, please.

If I Could

I hate illness. I hate seeing leukemia suck the energy, and sometimes vigor, out of my long-time friend. I hate watching dementia turn my beloved grandmother into someone I can hardly communicate with. I hate it so much. I feel so incredibly helpless. I'm reminded that life is out of my hands; no matter how well I take care of myself, I'm guaranteed nothing physical. I'm humbled at the realization of how small my problems are, and how large I make them seem. It hurts to see people I love so much going through this. I wish, more than anything, I could take it all away.

Anne Lamott

put it best. In Traveling Mercies she says something along the lines of only being able to pray "Help me, help me, help me" at times. Right now is one of those times for me.

Also..

this is why I want one of these dogs.

Baby Headrest for French Bulldog @ Yahoo! Video

What has happened to me?

I've become one of those people who actually wants to work out. I've seen results and now I'm hooked, physical fitness is suddenly a priority. I'm not dreading being in my bathing suit for a week when I go to Florida. I don't hate it :)

LyKe OmG yOuRe SoOoO gAy!

Lately I've been more aware about the way people speak, which does little more than irritate me. I've gotten to a point where I usually just bite my tongue, arguments are tiresome and only leave one or both parties hurt and offended. I'm just getting really frustrated with it, though. Why is it less offensive to call someone gay or retarded than it is to call them a dumbass? Better yet, why have those words become our main insults? Can we really not be any more creative than insulting large groups of people in place of the word stupid? It kind of disgusts me at the type of people who say these words...people who "stand up for Jesus!" and even those I attend church with. If your beliefs are so strong wouldn't you think about the way you speak and act before you do so? Beliefs are hollow without a conscious way of life.

a Thank You card from April

A little something that brightened my day.

"Brittney, Thank you for the gift card! Also for coming to my shower. You are such a sweet girl who reminds me of myself ten years ago. I enjoy your presence and I am thankful for you! Love you, April."

What's the big deal? Well, the big deal is that April is someone whom I admire. Like I said in my previous post, everyone thinks the world of her - she is incredible to work for/with, generous, thoughtful, caring, etc etc etc. It brought a smile to my face to read this little card :)

I try

really, really hard every single day to be positive. It is natural for me to be pessimistic and cynical. I try with everything inside of me to forget my past and look towards the future. Everything has happened, or not happened, for a reason. I'm sick of holding things in and not just saying what I feel. I went to April's bridal shower today and at one point they had everyone in the room say their name, how they know her, and what they like most about her. EVERYONE had multiple great things to say about her - and no one said the same thing. It made me wonder what people would say about me in that situation. I like to think they would say I'm genuine, caring, kind, loving, generous, attentive, helpful, conscious..but I realize this may not be the case. Maybe they'd say I'm negative, hateful, sarcastic, rude, bitchy, critical, self-serving, insensitive. I'm not at all fishing for compliments, just really thinking about things. I want SO badly to change who I am..why does this have to be so hard?

With that said, have a lovely Saturday :)

The Beginning

Awhile ago, I talked about a program I was starting at Marion involving special needs & cheerleading. Well, we've started to get the ball rolling! Follow along on our journey here! I would totally love you if you did :) I promise it'll get more exciting to read as things progress.

"I don't believe that old cliché that good things come to those who wait. I think good things come to those who want something so bad they can't sit still." -Ashton Kutcher

bling by brittney

just kidding...but here's a look into my hobby. in advance, i apologize for the poor quality of the pictures. photography is not my forte, nor do i have a nice camera.

it started a few years ago, turning grandma's old pieces into new ones

it continued in high school when i took a jewelry class - cuff bracelet i formed/finished with a stone i cut/buffed/polished/etc

this is a keychain i made in the class...cut with a tiny hand saw

another piece from the class - a pin bearing my initials

awhile ago, dad & i started making watches together by combining our old scraps

my personal favorite from the watch collection

not exactly my style, but it was fun to make

i dance, do you?

My friend Amanda and her friend Molly are starting something called idance. I'm going to be apart of this - in the privacy of my own home, of course. Their blog explains it in much greater detail than I can, so check it out & join the revolution! :)

Happy Memorial Day

Livin' it up!

It's about the hair, of course

Yes, that is exactly what it looks like. A bar of soap..FOR YOUR HAIR. Thank you, Tigi, for making a convenient, natural way to wash hair in a hurry. I bought it months ago and totally forgot about it until today, and to add to it, my hair feels great. Even I was shocked. Tigi has been one of my favorite hair care & make up lines since I discovered them in school. They have great products with really fun packaging/names. Everything from Bed Head to S Factor to Rockaholic to Love, Peace, & the Planet (their all-natural hair care line). Any company that can meet the needs of all ages & types of people wins in my book. With that said, I am NOT cutting my hair off.

Also, I am loving my job & the people I work with. Marion isn't where I want to be forever, but for now I am more than content being here and making the most of it. I am so thankful to have been brought to this salon with these people. It's the perfect place for me right now and the perfect plan that I couldn't have imagined if I tried.

Letters to Juliet

I saw it today with my aunt, it was a little sappy I must admit...but it made me think a bit. The premise of the movie is that Sophie, the main character, finds a 50 year old letter written to Juliet. She answers it and they go on an adventure to find the woman's long lost love..blah, blah, blah. That's not what caught my attention. At the wedding of the long lost lovers, the bride read the letter Sophie had written to her as Juliet in response. I can't seem to find the letter online, but the beginning was a little something like this: "'What' and 'if' are two of the least threatening words in the English language. It's when they're put together that they can haunt you for the rest of your life. What if?" Mushy, I know, but just a little food for thought.

Pet Peeve

When people call into the salon and make an appointment and say, "Soo um liiiike I don't know what I want, maybe like um some color or like some highlights or like who knows maybe just a haircut! Hehe!" Really now? It seems that it would be common courtesy to not call someone to make an appointment unless you know what you want that appointment to be for. Apparently not.


Also, don't email me asking for prices on highlights and then throw in that you're a transgendered woman...is that totally necessary? I could care less what kind of woman you are, it doesn't change the prices.

Day 2: Riding My Bike to Work

I love it. By the time I get to work I'm already hot and sticky, but I don't mind so much. It's somehow freeing to not be able to take off and go anywhere at anytime easily. I sat and read at work all day, because I wasn't busy. It was a good day :)

Where do you fit?

This comes from part of a conversation that Josh and I had today about the church in which we grew up. We discussed how so many of the "Christians" there, and everywhere, love to put people into categories; whore. fag, teen mom, thief, alcoholic, drug addict, adulterer, smoker, lower class citizen, the list goes on and on. People are grouped up according to their worst characteristic, while their good ones are completely overlooked.  We're all guilty of putting ourselves on this pedestal of judging those we come in contact with, and it's disgusting. Why is church a place we go to pretend we're something we aren't? Shouldn't it be a place to go and feel safe and comfortable; a place to work out your problems with your fellow believers. I refuse to attend church only to pretend as if I've never messed up and don't continue to mess up in some way daily. This walk of following God is a struggle faced everyday, it's something we should be able to share and work through together. People shouldn't be ruled out because they fit into some category of sin, because they don't hide who they are to impress you. This has to change. Christians can no longer be seen as cold, judgmental, hypocritical people, but as loving, caring, giving, open and honest people. Much, much more was discussed, but this is all for tonight - I'm exhausted!

"Let us be very sincere in our dealings with each other and have the courage to accept each other as we are."
- Mother Teresa

So sweet

If she can be this positive, then so can I.

Interesting..

I read this article last night. It didn't have anything overly profound to say, I just enjoyed it.