Once in awhile...

I really, really, really miss high school...a whole lot.

Right now is one of those times.

I can see clearly now...

A year and a half ago I thought Kyle was crazy when he told me that we needed to grow up...apart from one another. I literally felt as if my world was ending. I couldn't see how I needed to grow up anymore than I had by that point, what did he expect of me? It seemed like my best friend had abandoned me and left me in the cold, like he didn't give a shit about what became of me. I had a mindset that no one understood the agony of what I'd gone through, I was the first person to experience an unexpected break-up. Needless to say, I am well past that point. I am so incredibly glad that he ended things. It hurt a whole lot at the time, more than I let anyone know, but it has made me such a better person. I look back and wonder how in the hell he lasted as long as he did with the person I was. I've been realizing more recently how thankful I am for what he did, I've grown so much since that time. I couldn't see it then, but now I can see that he was very right, and if I could thank him, without it being odd, I would.

On to the rest of my day...I had some pretty amazing compliments today that just boosted my self esteem. Two girls told me I had perfect skin when I was going on about getting some new skincare products, then another girl told me I looked cute anyway I wore my hair -a compliment she gives me every time I do something different- flattering, yet awkward, and then some random strangers at Qdoba & Maggie Moo's told me they loved my hair! :] Little things like that brighten my day.

Now to the not-so-bright part...I found something out today that upset me a whole lot. I was more upset than I've been in awhile, and I talked to Mike about it and got it all out of my system, I feel slightly better, but it still sucks. I did get a huge smile on my face when he said if he was home he'd bring me a bag of gummy worms to cheer me up :] I'm currently talking to Megan about it, which always helps...I'm incredibly blessed to be surrounded with these people.

Heading to bed..I have an appointment for some highlights tomorrow, thanks to Sam for recommending me!

Feelin' Good...

So I've been getting crazy into makeup lately, probably because that's all I watch on youtube these days. It amazes me the way you can completely change someone's face and entire appearance just with a little powder or creme. I've decided that I still want to do hair, but I want to do makeup now on top of that. I want to totally change the way someone looks, enhance what beauty they already have, through their hair & makeup and make them feel better than they ever have before. Seeing someone walk out with confidence after giving them a great cut/style/highlight/color/etc is an incredible feeling, I can't imagine how much better it'd feel to see them smiling and their eyes lighting up because I made them feel beautiful. I don't want to just make people feel better about their outward appearance, I want to reflect on the outside how they look on the inside...incredibly cheesy, I know. I've been going to kandeethemakeupartist.blogspot.com like it's my job, she's seriously inspired me to get into it. I know this sounds totally meaningless to most people, but it's something I've grown increasingly more passionate about the more I've learned and observed. I can't wait to get a job and be out there doing what I love...and making money so that I can buy some nice makeup. Hah!

Today, Darcy told me to do something that I have somehow never thought about doing. She told me I should get a bulletin board and put up pictures of goals I want to accomplish, whether long or short term. I had mentioned how I wanted to start buying really nice makeup and hair products, but it wasn't something I could afford right now, so she told me to put up pictures of those things I want so that I have a visual to keep me motivated. I'm not sure why I've never thought of this, but it seems brilliant. If I hang it up in my spare room, I'll see it every time I get on the computer (way too often) and want to work that much harder to acheive whatever goals I've posted.

I need to say something to you, Megan...I'm so thankful for you everyday, seriously. You've been my best friend for so long now, and we've been through an incredible amount together. I don't know where I'd be without your love and support. I realized that today when you talked to me about everything going on, I appreciate it more than you know. I absolutely hate that you live so far away, but it's alright, I have a feeling we'll live much closer to each other some day, and it makes me happy to know that you're enjoying yourself down there. Thanks for everything girl, I love you & I can't wait to see you in a couple weeks! :]

Haaairrrr!!

This is the goal for my hair..hopefully it'll be close by the end of the year, but I might be crazy. :] No, I have no clue who this girl is, I Google'd hairstyles and this was my favorite. I got ultra pissed looking for cuts/styles I like, because they all ended up being on websites called "Scene Styles!" or some bullshit like that. Then they had tutorials on how to dress, act, and do your hair "scene". Okay, if you're really scene, you don't need someone explaining to you how to be, you just are. Hah...oh, and I'm not scene, contrary to what Google believes.

Countdown

So I'm going to Chicago in a little over a month with a few of the girls from school for the Midwest Beauty Show and I can't wait! We're riding the train there, which will be a new adventure for me, and we got a hotel room to stay in for 2 nights, so it'll be a lovely little vacation from everything. I watched a few videos online of the show last year and it looked amazing, I'm so stoked to go learn some new techniques and just explore all of the different aspects of hair. Just a few short weeks and we'll be on our way! :]

Get over it...really

I hate when people bring problems onto themselves and then wallow in self-pity and blame everything on everyone else. Own up to your decisions and move on while dealing with the consequences. Your life is your responsibility, don't expect everyone to cater to you and baby you for the rest of your life, because at some point, you'll meet someone who doesn't give a shit about being sensitive to your feelings. So grow up and stop taking everything so personal.

Sorry...just needed to get that off my chest.

Wisdom's in the trees not the glass windows...

I was driving up to Marion today to celebrate Drew's birthday with my Dad's family, and I passed a house that was burning trash or something of the sort, and I got really excited. I love the smell of a bonfire, and I can't wait until that smell is consuming the outdoors every time I walk outside at night. I can't wait until I can ride around with my windows down, blasting my music. Everything about Summer makes me so happy...and although it would be wonderful to live in a place like California or Florida, where it's nice outside all the time, the shitty Indiana weather makes me appreciate Summer even more. I want to be outside as much as possible this Summer. I want to go on bike rides, to bonfires, and just walk around outside or lay by the pool, anything really. I miss the sun, and Ben Harper puts it best: She's only happy in the sun! :]

I've been with my family a lot this weekend, and it was really nice. I know I see them pretty often, but every time I do, it just makes me realize how much I've been blessed. Since I've started school, I've met and talked to a lot of girls that talk about how fucked up some of their lives are, and I know that my family is nowhere near perfect, but I rarely have complaints about them. They have always been my backbone and my rock, I wouldn't have gotten through a lot of things without them. I've decided that I will never be with a guy that my family doesn't approve of. Even though I don't agree with everything my Dad's family believes, I would never want to lose them because I was dating someone they didn't like. I want my family and the man I end up with to click effortlessly. I may be dreaming a bit, but it seems to have happened for both of my brothers.

I was listening to the song "You Don't Know Me" by Ben Folds & Regina Spektor, and it's totally how I feel about everyone around me. I feel like no one really knows me, besides my family and a couple choice friends. Sure, I can tell you about my life, my favorite colors, how much I love reading, and my favorite movies, but I feel as though no one really knows me. They don't know my heart, my desires, my true thoughts. I hide so many of those things for fear of being misunderstood, rejected, or just looked at differently. I still haven't gotten to the point where I'm okay with not "fitting in" just a little bit. Even though I'm a lot different than everyone I go to school with, I still strive to find similarities so that I'm not viewed as an outcast or an outsider of sorts. That sounds so stupid and immature, but I know that it's how most people feel. Very few people are okay with not being accepted...I just hope that I can someday get to a point where I truly don't care whether or not people accept me for who I am, because I was made this way for a reason, and I'm not going to alter it just to fit in with those around me.

Also, I got to hang with Keaton this weekend. I had missed my BFF a whole lot, and we had fun talking and watching movies and what not. We're growing our hair out together till it covers our boobies and we look like hippies. Pretty excited.

This was totally scatter-brained...welcome to my world. Hah.

Ahh!

I've wanted to write for like 3 days and I have no idea what to say. I have a million things running through my mind right now and I don't know how to get them out. I'm getting increasingly more stressed as school continue. Many things are better, but some things continue to get worse. School itself and my personal progress is going really well...it's just everything else. I'm so incredibly sick of being around so many immature people. Not to say that I'm an adult or anything, but I know how to act when I'm at school. Oh, and I just need to say one thing, if you're from Noblesville, you're NOT FUCKING HOOD..as cute as it is to paint yourself brown for Halloween. Now that that's out, if you feel like you're old enough to make the decision to perform the action that creates a child, why don't you start acting like it. You got yourself into that shit, so go home after school and take care of your business.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Now, as incredibly excited about that as I am, if I have to hear a zillion girls talking about their douchebag boyfriends tomorrow, I might have to hit someone. It's alright though, Kelly is going to be my date for the evening, hah.

Chicago is in a little over a month, and I seriously can't wait. Getting away for a couple days in a city I love obvserving something I love will be absolutely fabulous. Maybe I'll save a little money to do some non-hair item shopping! :]

I need my hair to grow..so bad..it's in a very awkward stage right now.

Blessed

I had a pretty good weekend, which was long overdue after a weird week. Saturday night I went out with Kel for Steph's birthday. Kel and I were sort of the odd ones out, but we made it fun anyway. We went to Bdub's for dinner - douchebag central - and a man that was there making balloon animals made me a little dinasour! I was pretty stoked about it hah. After we left the restaurant, Kel and I went back to my apartment and just talked for a couple hours. It was really nice, she's one of the first people that I've really felt a connection with since I've moved here. We have a lot in common, and it was just refreshing to have a real conversation with someone.

On Sunday I went back to Marion to go up to Huntington for service with my mom. This is seriously always my favorite part of the week. That place is feeling more and more like home to me and I long to be involved in it, but currently I cannot be. I can't wait to move and be closer to everything. Heath talked about something this week and last that really opened my eyes. At one point he talked about letting God take control, because even when you don't let Him, He will anyways. My brother's life is living proof of that...he may as well have been swallowed by a whale. He also talked about something else that really hit me. We are so focused on me-ness, and what is good for us. Absolutely everything we do is because we get something out of it. We need to start "togethering" as he put it...together walking. We are on this journey together, God gave us other people for a reason. It's not good for us to be alone, we need other people to be around us and support us in our walk. In turn, togethering causes us to start caring for other people. We all should be pushing each other to grow, and in maturity we truly learn to care for those around us. We also need to be taking care of the people who have no one else to care for them - widows, immigrants, orphans, and single mothers. The people who literally have nothing to fall back on. It made me realize how incredibly selfish I've been. I always look at other people and their situations and say "They made their bed, they can lay it." While this is true, that doesn't mean that I shouldn't love those people with all my heart and do everything within my power to help them. I know that when the time comes that I'm in an unfortunate situation, I'll expect someone to come to my aid, but when I see other people in those circumstances I just turn my head and pretend nothing is happening...or I just sit and gawk, acting as if I have no ability to help. I'm getting so frustrated with my own behavior and those around me. Why is it so fucking hard to just love somebody. It's literally the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. It's so hard for me to be merciful to others, because I expect perfection. I'm learning more and more everyday to not only accept, but love the imperfections of others, seeing as I have so many of my own.

On a lighter note, I went up to Ft. Wayne Sunday night to hang out with Matt. It was so good to see him, he's someone I'm really comfortable around and we just chilled for a few hours and didn't really do anything of significance, but I still had fun. I also went to Ross's, at like 2:00 a.m. and ended up falling asleep like 45 minutes after I got there, I felt a little bad. Although, I slept better than I have in a really long time. Then, in the morning Ross made me some delicious waffles! It was all around a pretty great day. When I got back to Noblesville I chilled for awhile and Kelly came over and we baked some cookies and watched youtube videos. The ultimate weekend, really.

J is in the hospital and I hope he gets better soon. These things always make me nervous. :[

P.S. I got all kinds of new music on my iPod from Heath's computer, pretty excited about that...I've been in need of some new tunes. Woooo.

TGIF...kind of

My biggest daily struggle in going to school everyday is holding my tongue. People's attitudes towards those doing services for them is unbelievable. Today, my first client was a woman probably in her late 50s-early 60s. She had some sort of problem that caused her head to shake a lot, this alone posed a challenge, but I was prepared to deal with that. Well, as I walked her back to shampoo her, we had to wait to get a bowl that would be short enough for her. This was apparently the biggest inconvenience for this woman to stand and wait for 5 minutes. The entire time all she did was sigh and complain, I just brushed this off, not a big deal. Finally, a chair opened, so I got her situated and started to shampoo her and she looks at me and tells me stop and go get her purse because someone might take it...news flash ma'am, no one is aching to nab your bag. So I stopped what I was doing and went back to get her purse; when I return to the shampoo bowl she thanks me only by saying "Well you're slow enough." Even still, I brushed her off, this little dumpling of a woman is not worth getting worked up about. So then, I take her back to my station and ask her how she wants her hair cut, well her only response is "I want it short like how Joey did it...just do what Joey did." Well, obviously I didn't study Joey's every move and haircut, so I had no idea what the woman wanted. I finally got it figured out and started cutting it. Every time I would get to one side of her head, she starts leaning over in the opposite direction, away from me, making it all the more difficult to cut. To add to it, I ended up cutting my hand because she was shaking so much, in turn causing my hand to shake while I was trying to hold her hair. This was also a huge inconvenience for her, she let out a huge sigh when I left to get a bandage for my finger. I get to the end of the hair cut and start to cut out around her ears. Obviously, she is still shaking, which makes it harder, and my shears slip and hit her ear. Mind you, she didn't get cut, or start bleeding, or anything of the like. They barely hit her and she goes, "Um ouch!" By this point, I'm nearly in tears and my hands are shaking, and anyone that knows me will vouch for the fact that it takes a whole lot to get me that worked up. After that I walked over to Silver and told her that she needed to finish it for me, which she so graciously did. So finally the cut is over and I'm starting to blow dry it with some mousse in it, and she asks how much the mousse costs and asks if she needs "one of them there blowers" to use it. Too irritated to laugh, I told her she would be fine without a hair dryer, and she ended up buying product from me, which becomes like a small tip for me. Then when she goes to leave she pats me on the shoulder and says, "Thanks so much honey!" Holy bipolar. This is my rant for the day.

P.S. I have long, beautiful mermaid hair thanks to Felicia! :]
P.S.S I got a 98% on my dreaded Anatomy & Physiology test today. w00t.

Timing is Everything

I really believe that. It's like every time I am doubting or questioning something in my life, something happens to reassure me that everything is working out the way it's supposed to. For instance, recently, I've really been questioning the decision I've made as far as school goes. I've been thinking that maybe everyone was right; maybe I am selling myself short. Then today, I was reading a note Korie posted on facebook, and it said something along the lines of how much she loved her job, and that although the type of people she catered to were very draining, she learned a lot from them, realizing money doesn't bring you happiness. That's something I've really been struggling with. It's been bothering me a lot that I have gotten into such a materialistic and self-centered field. It is a huge challenge for me everyday to not get caught up in appearances and possessions.

I've also been missing all of my old friends like hell. Somehow, they must've known this, because I've talked to them all in this past week more than I have in a really long time. I can't wait until I actually have some free time to spend with them. Oh, and I can't wait until Megan is home and we can listen to Movin' On and reminisce on some...good times? I'm getting incredibly anxious to graduate and move away from here. I'll do anything it takes to graduate before September.


P.S. Anatomy & Physiology can suck it.

Seriously...

...tell me this doesn't make you cry.

Happy Days

I've had a fabulous weekend. I got to spend time with my family, who I had missed terribly, even though it'd only been a week since I'd seen them last. Yesterday, I looked online at some apartments in Ft. Wayne and I am more excited than ever to graduate and move away from Noblesville. Also, last night and all day today I watched the first two seasons of Arrested Development, which I have decided is the greatest show on earth. I will finish the series by watching the third season tomorrow, and I really can't wait. I'm the biggest nerd ever. Oh, and I'm pretty in love with Michael Cera.

P.S. I'm taking my extensions out tomorrow because I'm sick of not washing my hair (gross - I know)...but now I'm even more impatient about my hair growing than I was before. Guess I'll have to go buy some more.

Changes

I've recently been completely re-evaluating myself. There are so many aspects of my character that I desire to be different. I want to be slow to anger, and quick to help. I want to be impossible to annoy, and known for my patience. I want to stop caring so much about myself, and truly care for those around me. I want to be more concerned with giving to others than taking for myself. I want not to just hear what people say to me, but to actually listen to them. I don't want to be seen as heartless or mean, but to be someone that people feel like they can come to with their problems. I want to be slow to judge, and accepting of others. I want to let people in, even if it means getting hurt, instead of always shutting them out. I want to stop being so cynical, and see the good in those around me. I want to trust that God has a plan for me, and stop trying to plan my own future. I want to put all of my cares and worries upon Him, because they are not my burden to bear. I want to find happiness in the littlest of things. I feel like a fire has suddenly been lit inside of me, and I am full of passion that is ready to burst out.



"Cause Mr. when you're rattling on Heaven's gate
By then it is too late
Cause Mr. when you get there
They don't ask what you saved
All they'll want to know Mr. is what you gave"
-Ben Harper