This is what brings me Joy..

I sit down at that old piano
the one that my mother, uncles, brothers, and I
all learned to play on

my world falls completely away

and it is well with my soul.

I love a transformation

A week or so ago, I cut & colored Anna's hair. May I just say, it was a beautiful change! Also, I LOVE cutting off tons of hair.

This is what we started with - long, crazy, thick, multi-colored locks..

This is everything I got rid of..

This is her gorgeous, new, evenly-toned hair from the front..

And from the side!

Great success :]

What would you do if I sang out of tune?

Krista & I have been hanging out a lot lately.

It's nice to be getting close with her again, I've missed her.

She's a great friend - always honest & supportive.

On top of that, we never stop laughing when we're together.

It's good to have a friend close by.

We're going to be bachelorettes together soon.

Haha :]

Don't for a minute change the place you're in...

I start work Monday and I'm terrified. I'm incredibly excited, but growing up is something I'd like to avoid. Sure, I want to move on and see what's next, but I want to remain carefree and semi-void of responsibility.

Thanksgiving yesterday was great. I love spending time with my family, especially my brother. Madeline ate with us at my mom's, and the thought of the last Thanksgiving I spent with Maurice at their house almost brought me to tears. He was such an incredible man, and although it's been nearly 4 years, I still miss him almost daily. Sometimes, I just long for his confirmation.

My life feels crazy right now, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I guess I'm ready for the next few weeks - to see what is to come.

I am 20 years old (as of yesterday).

I start a new job next week.

I like someone.

I am very, very happy.

That is all.

:]

Before I die I want to...

1.    Change someone's life.
2.    Adopt a child.
3.    Fall in love.
4.    Get married.
5.    Have children.
6.    Learn to sew.
7.    Finish reading East of Eden.
8.    Read every book by Ernest Hemingway.
9.    And JD Salinger.
10.  Write an essay.
11.  Participate in an organized debate.
12.  Sing/play piano in public at least one more time.
13.  Sleep under the stars all night long.
14.  Learn to cook as well as my mom.
15.  Be in a play.
16.  See Phantom of the Opera on Broadway.
17.  Buy my own car - without a loan.
18.  Go to California.
19.  Drive a boat.
20.  Somehow repay my parents for everything they've done.
21.  Write a book about my life.
22.  Acquire a love for exercise.
23.  Own a home.
24.  Decorate my own home.
25.  Volunteer helping children.
26.  Write a letter to the editor.

Boys..

I'm so sick of everyone telling me who I should be with. The reasons they give are even worse! "He needs to get over his last gf..." or "He's going to be successful & you have a lot in common..." or my favorite, "OMG we'd love it if you dated him!" I don't care how amazing some guy may seem to everyone else, or how perfect they think he may be for me... I don't want to wake up one morning and realize I'm stuck in a marriage with a baby and not be absolutely crazy about my husband. I'm not interested in how successful or good looking someone is, I want to be head over heels in love with him. I refuse to settle. The End.

Don't stop this train

I've had a fabulous day to say the least. I went into a salon downtown yesterday, and I was very impressed with the lady I met and what we talked about. I took an application and brought it back today with my resume. When I took it in, we set up a meeting for Monday at 3 to talk about things. I'm really excited for it, yet nervous because there are some things that would need to work out a certain way for me to be able to work there. I feel like I walked into that salon yesterday for a reason, so I hope that something works out for me. The stylists there would be incredible people from which to learn!

Also, yesterday Craig gave me the e-mail of the woman to talk to at Redken about a job. I sent her an e-mail last night as soon as I had the chance, telling her about my interest in being a representative for her company. I received a response this afternoon! I was so excited to say the least. She said she wants to meet with me so that we can talk about possibilities. If this somehow works out, it would literally be my dream job. I have a passion for what I do, but the aspect of it that I truly enjoy, is sales and marketing. I almost love talking about what I do more than actually doing it. I love learning about products and color lines, and Redken is a line with which I am already pretty familiar. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the job of my dreams!

Now all I have to figure out is how to break the news to my current boss (of about less than 2 weeks), IF either/both of these opportunities work out. I want to avoid burning any bridges. Hmm...

Crazy crazy crazy

Story of my life right now. I have NO idea what is going on or what to think...but it's okay, I've embraced the chaos. :] It will all work out as it should.

P.S. Heath got accepted to Princeton today. Congrats to my incredibly talented brother!

I went to Noblesville on Wednesday to see Felicia graduate - and of course it was a great excuse to see everyone at the school that I've missed! While I was down there I went to lunch & dinner with Kelly & Steph, I've missed them so much. In between the 2 meals (it seemed like all we did was eat that day) we went to visit Sam's salon, Cloud 9. It was very nice & surprisingly classy for being located in a strip mall. The salon wasn't necessarily my preference of a place to work, but I would definitely take it over where I work now. Being there made me realize I want to go back. I don't want to work in a tiny little salon in a tiny little town the rest of my life, I've ALWAYS wanted to live/work in a bigger city. Then we found out Korie was doing a styling show at a little boutique in Broad Ripple, but we ended up not going because it was getting late and Steph & I had a drive ahead of us (she to Pendleton and I to Marion). It's moments like that when I despise the fact that I moved, had I not I could've stayed and gone to Korie's show and just driven 15 minutes to go home, as opposed to an hour or so. I'm trying to be patient until it's the right time for me to move, financially speaking. But the patience is getting harder to attain as the days go on. I miss having my own place, and being in an area where my industry is thriving and exciting. There's no excitement or challenge here, and in this environment, I don't do well. I just pray that things take a turn soon.

Change is gonna come..

I've made a conscious decision to live intentionally. I want to befriend people, whether or not I think we have anything in common. I can learn something from everyone. I want to help people, with things big or small. I want to be nice to people. Even if it's just saying things like, "I like your shirt," or, "I appreciate you." I don't say things like that to people enough, especially to the people who are very important to me. I want people to realize that I'm genuine. Yes, I joke often and I'm very sarcastic, but I love people and I care about them. I'm going to make a change. :]

P.S. Watching the show Wretched with Todd Friel makes me want to punch someone, mainly Todd Friel.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..

Heath & Hillary are going to New York this weekend. They're going to celebrate their anniversary, and for Heath to interview at some places for grad school - Princeton, Yale, and Union. The end of his incredible ministry in Huntington is coming fast. I am fully confident that the 509 will go on without him, but it'll be hard for me not having them around if he ends up attending one of these schools. I want the world for him, he's incredibly intelligent and a very hard worker, he deserves it. Even still, I can't help but be a little selfish and want them to stay around here. I haven't been that far away from Heath in years, and going through that again seems scary. I know that God will lead - or keep - him where he is supposed to be, but I'm a worrier. :] I suppose the bright side is that I'll have a place to vacation!

This kind of romance doesn't exist anymore..

Beethoven's 3rd letter to his Immortal Beloved

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved. ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

Are you not only blind, but do you not hear?

I'm very frustrated with people. The past two days I've worked in my Dad's office helping him get caught up on some things. While I actually do love office work, I don't know how much I love the hardcore Republican office talk. I'm sick of hearing those who use public funded programs constantly being bashed. Not that I advocate freeloading by any means, but it's not the child's fault that it's mother is on welfare. So that child shouldn't suffer for the parent's poor choices. As opposed to completely abolishing programs such as welfare, why don't we reform them, and actually run/use them correctly (bizarre thought, I know). And if you're all SO against these programs that help those who are less fortunate than the rest of us, then can you please inform me of where the church is in all of this? Last time I checked, the Samaritan woman wasn't exactly religious, yet that didn't stop Jesus from ministering to her and changing her life. No wonder people don't take Christians seriously...we're greedy and self-indulgent.

Today while I was at work, a woman came in to talk about possibly applying for a job with our company. She expressed that she knew the company was run by Christians, but she herself was not a believer. The company she is currently working for claims to be a group of Christians, but she feels as though everything they do is for the money and recognition (surprise, surprise). She was very clearly a passionate person in regards to helping others. She believed that she & her husband had been helped when they were in a time of need, and owed the same kindness to those who were currently in need. Few times in my life have I met someone so passionate about the needs of others, or about anything worth-while for that matter. Where is this spirit within our church communities? We can spend $9 million on elaborate church buildings while completely ignoring the people in poverty across the street? Sounds like hypocrisy at its finest.

When are we going to stop worrying about our designer suits, trendy purses, and 8 oz. steaks, and look at the people down the street with one decent outfit, feeding their children Ramen for dinner. There is need all around us, it's not just in Africa or China. We send people all over the world to help those in need - not that that's a bad thing - but we completely disregard all of the destitution in our very country and even our own town...and dare I say in our circle of friends. God blessed many of us with more than we need, and what are we doing with it?

Everybody knows it sucks to grow up..

It's been a long, exhausting, frustrating, stressful week...and it's only Tuesday. Will it ever get easier?

I hope so.

What are you really fighting for?

I'm sick and tired of the constant debate about politics. Neither party is perfect, nor will it ever be perfect. When George W. was in office everyone blamed Clinton for the bad things happening during Bush's presidency, saying that a president deals with the consequences of poor decisions made during the previous term. Now, what I am so eager to understand is why Republicans were so adamant about blaming everything in Bush's time on Clinton, yet now that Obama has been in office for LESS than a year, everything he is doing and dealing with is his own mistake. If I'm understanding this correctly, won't Obama be dealing with Bush's mistakes for just as long as Bush supposedly dealt with Clinton's? His whole presidency. Let's not be ignorant now folks. A man cannot fix the problems of an entire country in 11 months, nor is it one man making all of the decisions. Did we all pay attention during American History when we learned of the other branches of the government and the system of Checks and Balances. People choosing to turn a blind eye and blame ONE person for the problems of this nation is infuriating. If you want things to change, GO DO IT YOURSELF.

There is always the argument that Obama may not be a Christian and that this country is headed for disaster if it does not get back to its Godly foundation. If I remember right, the country was founded on people escaping from oppression, only to oppress others. Doesn't sound very Godly to me. Last time I read my Bible, rarely were there Godly leaders. God's people asked for a leader. He told them they didn't want a leader, they would only be oppressed and unhappy. Yet, they still insisted on having a leader. Then, God chose a man as a leader, David. As I recall, even David pulled a Bill Clinton. Why do we all sit on our ass and complain that this country is going down because of the horrible leaders. How about the horrible people? Ghandi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Regardless of your religious stance, I find this statement to be valuable. You can sit back and complain that the president isn't doing enough in this area or that, but what have you really done to make a change? It's not about who is in office, it's about how you live your life that really matters. It's not about abortion being legal, it's about what you believe. It's not about what drugs are legalized, it's about your choice to not use them. It's not about what's in magazines and movies, it's about what you choose to expose yourself to. Focus shouldn't be put on the kingdom of this earth or this country, but on the Kingdom of God. So really, aren't you just wasting your breath talking politics if you're truly a believer? I say yes.

So..

I want to go to college...in Portland. Reed College, to be exact. And I want to study Literature. Then I want to write a book. Anyone have an extra $50,000/yr lying around?

Short & Sweet

So I'm awaiting a response of some sort from the salon I gave my resume to on Monday. Matt is friends with the owner's son, so hopefully that helps me out a bit. :]

The house I looked at ended up being pretty lame, what is cool to a 72 year old woman, is typically not cool to anyone else. I also looked at an apartment 2 houses down from Heath & Hill & the guys, and I loved it, but they don't allow pets...so if I decide to live there I'll have to find something to do with Mo. Sad day.

I'm -hopefully- looking at another apartment on Monday, then maybe my decision will be easier.

Jim came to me today because a salon in Noblesville called and asked for someone to start an apprenticeship as a colorist (what I've wanted to do), and I was the first person he thought of. He gave me the name & number of the lady and said he'd wait a few days before posting it for everyone else to give me the opportunity if I want it. Of course this would happen AFTER I decide to move. I've been praying that God gives me a clear answer and a reason to not look into this job.

Hopefully all my family members give me lots of money for graduation so I can buy a laptop...come on now. :]

I guess this wasn't really that short, but anyhow, goodnight!

There's Beauty in the Breakdown..

Everything about my life in Noblesville has fallen apart...only for much more promising things to begin to fall together. I love the people I've met here, and I will stay close with a few of them, but this place never has been, and never will be, home. I've been spending more time recently in Huntington with Heath & Hillary & some other people. I love being there. It feels more like home to me than Marion does. I know it seems crazy that I'm moving to a place where I'll probably make 1/3 of what I could be making down here, but I know it's what I'm supposed to do. I've struggled with the decision a lot, and I've been praying about it constantly. It just feels right, that's the only way I can explain it. On Monday I'm dropping my resume off at a salon in Huntington and I'm looking at a house to potentially rent. The house sounds pretty cool, it's $110 a week, which seems really cheap to me compared to rent down here, but Hillary says it's expensive...I guess we'll see!

I'm going to talk to my dad about giving the child support, that has been going to my mom, to me after I graduate. It would be a tremendous help for me financially, and a little less stress until I can get up on my feet and take care of everything myself.

I've been thinking about going to college at HU in a year to study Literature. I'm still not sure if it's what I want to do, but by then I'm sure I'll know.

Everything in my life is pretty undecided right now, but that's okay...because I think as soon as everything seems to be figured out, something else changes. :]

boys, boys, boys...

My thoughts are all jumbled so excuse me if none of this makes much sense.

The boy, Evan, I went on the date with, is driving me totally crazy. Not in the good way either. He says he "understands" that I have a lot going on in my life right now and will give me space and then it's like he won't just leave me alone...space isn't texting me every waking second of your life and asking me what I'm thinking in regards to him. Well sir, I'm thinking a whole lot of nothing in regards to you...I have bigger things in my life right now than our one-date-relationship. Plus, he lives nearly 2 hours away, I don't find this to be the good start of a long-term relationship by any means. Call me cynical, but that's how I see it.

On the other hand, I've been hanging out with a guy from Indy that I go to school with. Yes, he's straight. He's absolutely nothing like what I, or anyone else, would picture me with, but he makes me very happy. We make each other laugh. I'm comfortable around him, and that doesn't happen too often. We're nothing serious right now, and that's fine with me, I'm not at a place in my life to be in a serious relationship, and neither is he...so it works pretty perfectly. We see each other when we have the time, but we also both have separate lives. I love that, I've never had that before. Whether it will go somewhere or not, I don't know, but I'm enjoying myself for the time being and I'm not going to try to force anything to happen. It's all out of my control.

Ah!

I graduate in exactly one month & one week. I'm completely freaking out. I have to go in tomorrow to tell the complex I'm not renewing my lease & then *hopefully* look at a house here pretty soon. Also, I will be filling out an application and faxing it, along with my resume, to Tyler Mason Salon. Interviewing scares me a whole lot, I don't feel like I'm old enough to go through this process...I'm not even old enough to go have a drink & celebrate when I get the job! Haha :] I pray that the job & the house both work out, from what I've been told, the rent being asked for the house is an amazing deal, let's hope that I feel the same way once I've actually seen the place. The salon offers benefits (health, dental, 401k, paid vacation, flex plan, etc), which would be incredible for me, seeing as how I won't be getting married anytime soon. If this all works out, it will bein a huge blessing.

My mother thinks that I should look at houses closer to the salon I'm applying at, which is on the west side of Indy. I see her point because she knows from experience that a commute is no fun. But I know from experience that moving somewhere and knowing absolutely no one and being a good distance from your friends is also no fun, something she doesn't understand because she's never left her comfort zone of Marion. I'll swap a long drive for the fact that I'll be able to come home and be close to my friends. Maybe eventually I'll look at a place closer to where I work, but for now, Noblesville is in between the salon & Marion, to me that's a pretty good location.

The lady who was trying to get rid of the dog never returned my phone call. I understand if she's changed her mind, but let's act our age and just let me know that. An un-returned phone call over a matter such as this is incredibly irritating. Oh well, I suppose it wasn't supposed to work out.

So I've got it in my head that I will somehow be getting a piano for graduation. My aunt & uncle have an older electric piano that they bought for my little cousin when he was learning to play. Well he's coming into his senior year and they also have a baby grand in their home. Perhaps they will be gracious enough to give their little piano to me when I graduate/move. It would probably be the first nice thing they've ever done in their entire lives. :]

Now that I've written a little book...I'm going to go relax for the evening.

Beau

I have been offered a free, full-blooded, house broken, 7 month old, brindle boxer by my dad & step-mom's neighbor's daughter (how confusing). I really want the dog, he's gorgeous! I'm not sure if I'm in a place financially to take on another big dog, but my step-mom thinks I should pray about it. So I'm going to. I know this seems petty, but to me it isn't.

In other news...lots of drama around this little humble abode of mine recently. I'll get to that later. :]

pray

..without ceasing.

For my big brother. Everything inside of me aches for him to see God in a real way. He has such an incredible personality and the power to influence people in a way he doesn't realize. He's one of the few people I literally don't think I could survive without. He's dwelling in his past mistakes, not understanding that he can move past that and create a new life. My once loud, outgoing, light-hearted, joking older brother has become bitter, quiet, distanced. He won't talk to anyone about anything...not even me, we used to talk about everything, we were so close. My heart hurts for him.

Excuse the language...

...but I've been pretty into this song lately.


I know a girl with an artist trapped deeply inside her
She provides for herself, she don't need you to like her
She dresses like a famous portrait
She talks like an angel with the makeup of dangerous torment
She don't wanna get married, she wanna get carried
Away, and figure out how to display all the things she wants to say
She would try to paint, but she don't got the patience that it looks like it takes
Plus her thoughts are too colorful to fit inside a picture
Her spirit is the genuine elixir
Her personality is such a brilliant fucking work of art
She's a devil with a sensitive heart
She don't like the boys that feel like they gotta be cool
And she don't like the fake hoes in cosmetology school
But one day, she'll show the world
That she's no ordinary Goddamn woman

=]

I went on a date last night with Evan, a boy from Huntington that attends the 509. We've been talking on the phone & texting a lot, but last night was the first time we'd really hung out. We went down to the reservoir and sat by the water and talked for like 3 hours...he didn't think it was creative but I thought it was incredibly sweet. It was way better than just sitting inside all night or going to the movies & getting dinner. He's very easy to talk to and I'm very comfortable around him...but not too comfortable to not get butterflies. :] I've always told myself that the right guy would pursue me, and I wouldn't have to put forth a ton of effort to make it happen or have to chase him..well, that's exactly what he's been doing, we talk everyday & he initiates it. I think this is the start of something good :] I guess we'll see...

Right now..

I really wish I had gone to IU. End of story.

It's been awhile

Not many things make me happier than sunshine on my shoulders and spending a whole day doing something I enjoy. It was amazing outside today and I wish I would've taken more advantage of it. I spent most of the day inside at my Dad's making a watch & a bracelet. I love making things. I would love to live on an island and own a jewelry shop, but I've got to have money to do that, ha. :]

I've been working the past two weeks and it's pretty terrible. The cooks are creepy & the place smells. I'm trying to tell myself that I only have to do it for 3 months & then I'm free. Hopefully I can stick with it.

Speaking of 3 months..it's about that long until I graduate! I can't wait, the past 7 months have gone by so fast, for which I'm thankful. Even though that place stresses me out and annoys me to no end, I'm going to miss it.

I'm learning to love people, even when they mess up..and it's really, really hard. I'm also trying to not be afraid of who I am and what I feel. It's something I've always struggled with, and I feel like very few people truly know me. I'm ready to move and have a place where I can really invest myself & my time, and people I can really get close to.

I keep having pregnant dreams. They totally freak me out because they seem so real. Eek. Good thing there's no possible way I'm pregnant.

I'm off to do yoga & laundry...and possibly read a book & finish a necklace I started.

Ugh

I miss hanging out with all my boys, before I dated any of them. Life was care free, and I didn't have to worry about how I looked around them. All that mattered was good movies, curry, lots of wings, and video games. I miss it. :[

Start a New Effing Life..

I don't want to wait any longer. I will wait, of course, but I want to see SOMETHING happen. This next 4 months cannot go fast enough. I really want to move and start my life. I hope my mother is right. :]

I got a job at Chili's today. It will probably consume the rest of my free time, and I'll probably be tired a lot, but it's money, and that's something I definitely need.

I'll hit 900 hours at school sometime this week, so only 600 left. It's unbelievable to think that I'm over halfway finished. Pretty soon, I'll be in the Senior Studio, woo.

I want God to just tell me things. I hate gut feelings. I'd prefer written letters, saying things like "Work here, move here, date him, handle it this way, etc." Unfortunately, I'll just have to sit back and stop trying to figure my shit out.

The weather is causing me to be in an incredibly good mood. Being at school all the time isn't my cup of tea, but driving home from school with my windows down and sunglasses on makes me forget how annoying it is to be there 40 hours a week.

Oh, I have a few freckles on my shoulders, something I've always wanted & just recently noticed.

Things are looking UP, and I can't wait to see what comes next. :]

Weird...

So I read my daily horoscope just for fun, but never pay much attention to it...but a part of the one today caught my eye:

"The career ladder seems to be a lonely place at times today, but that is only because you have lost sight of your true priorities. You got lost in the outcome, in the politics, and have forgotten that the true value is the joy you feel in your work."

It's actually sort of accurate, I've been so caught up in shit at school that I forget how much I love what I'm doing, and what kind of joy it brings me.

I'm off to yet another early Saturday, full of drama & cheapskates. :]

Traveling Mercies

"And that is why I have stayed so close to mine -- because no matter how bad I am feeling, how lost or lonely or frightened, when I see the faces of the people at my church, and hear their tawny voices, I can always find my way home."
-Anne Lamott

Foolishness

I'm slowly realizing I have a slight issue when it comes to my career of choice. It is the type of career in which success is almost solely dependent upon the amount of work put into it. Now, I'm not saying I'm not a hard worker but, unlike many of my schoolmates, I have never had to work too hard for anything. I did the bare minimum in high school, and graduated with a 3.8. Struggling for something, or really wanting it and having to work hard to get it are things I've never really encountered. I know that if I decide I'm going to start working harder at this and become successful, I will. It's just the thought of actually putting forth more effort than is absolutely necessary. Frustrating, for sure.

Today Sam had a client that slightly irritated me. Not that this is anything new, but it was more of the type of things she was saying that offended me. She was openly discussing that she met a girl she was interested in, but here's the catch...she met her at church! She was saying the church was non-denominational and accepted her for who she was and would never preach the "condemnation of homosexuals" sermon at her church, because they knew that she was born that way and couldn't help it. You know why sweetheart? Because they're cool and hip and don't want to offend anyone. Who do you think you're kidding? Have you ever read the Bible? Seriously? Now don't get me wrong here, I accept people for who they are and I don't want to come off as a judgmental person, nor is it my place to condemn them, but nothing pisses me off more than when a church makes people think that there are no consequences to their actions. Like Jesus was just a cool hippie that we want to model our lives after, like the Bible is obsolete. I'm not sure how much clearer it needs to be stated than it is in 1 Corinthians 6:9, "Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals," I just hate that there are places out there calling themselves churches and supposedly preaching the "Word of God", but leaving out all of the messy stuff. It's not all about living in peace and drinking wine. I just wish these people would open up their Bibles and read a passage or two once in awhile. And another thing about this situation that bugs me, is when people say "I was born this way, I can't help it." That's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard. Everyone is born a certain way, with certain sinful desires or tendencies, that is NO reason for them to just live in a life of sin without trying to change. I was born with a tendency to be lazy, that doesn't mean it's okay for me to do nothing with my life and blame it on the fact that I was made this way and can't help it. That's a cop out that the contemporary church offers people so that they won't leave. Some people have an innate desire to lie, or be gluttonous, that doesn't make the behavior okay, it means that it's a struggle they will have to go through on a daily basis, and hope to overcome. Everyone has different sinful natures with different consequences, but none of them provide a legitimate excuse to not try to conquer them.

I think that's enough for today.

Chi-town

Just got back from Chicago really late last night. I had a blast! I had so much fun with all the girls, we didn't come back hating each other at all - something that Brea told us would happen. The show was an awesome experience, seeing people with all different lifestyles coming together for a shared passion was awesome. Chicago/the show was full of gorgeous boys, hah. I was definitely diggin the fact that 90% of the guys I saw wore tight pants and looked pretty awesome all around. We went shopping at Water Tower Place one day and obviously had fun. I also thoroughly enjoyed dancing in our hotel room at night. :] I'm too tired to think of anything else to say, except that homeless people love trying to hustle me. Later.


P.S. I had another super weird dream last night, similar to the one I had the other night. Ugh.

Ut-oh

I had a crazy dream last night. Sam says it means that new beginnings will be coming, but they may be scary. Hmmm... :]

Story...

I forgot this in my last post. So, Saturday I totally realized why I turned down every other good opportunity to go to cosmetology school. I got a client that wanted all over highlights and lowlights. At first I groaned and didn't want to do it. Then, when my instructor told me that she formerly had cancer so she had really thin hair, I was even more reluctant. I thought "great, another person who is going to pour all their troubles upon me, and I have to sit and pretend to care." I know, I'm the most selfish, insensitive person on earth. So I went to get her and she sat down and we started to discuss what she wanted done with her hair. I was still -probably noticeably- irritated. Once I got going, I could tell her hair wouldn't take any time at all, because she literally had the thinnest hair I'd ever seen. As I was working, she started to open up to me, it was obvious that she was very nervous and embarrassed by her hair. She told me that she was now 25, and had had cancer since she was 7. She was currently in remission and had been for the past 5 years - the longest she's ever been without cancer. Her hair was finally getting longer, and she felt like she needed a change with it. She proceeded to tell me that she had lost her mother, her aunt, and her grandmother...all to cancer. I couldn't even begin to understand what this girl has been through. She was finishing her GED(due to all the school she'd missed), and was hoping to continue on to college to become a nurse - an ambition I highly respect, because it's something I couldn't do. She was there with her fiance and his siblings. When I asked how long they'd been together, she timidly smiled at me and said, "6 months." She said that although she used to make fun of people who said things like this, she just knew he was the man she was supposed to be with forever. It was obvious that they were head over heels for one another, and it was the most refreshing thing I've seen in a long time. She just had this incredible energy and spirit about her, she was so inspiring. Now, on to the hair. I finished it, and I was personally pretty pleased with how it turned out, and I was really hoping that she would like it. As I turned her back towards the mirror so that she could see the final results for the first time, it was the most amazing thing ever. It was obvious that she felt more beautiful than she ever had. I worked harder than I have in a long time, because I really wanted her to love her hair, and she did. The appreciation she showed towards me brought tears to my eyes. I want to make someone feel that good about themselves everyday. It doesn't matter to me if she tips me, or buys product, or tells her friends who did her hair; what matters is that I made a difference in how she feels about herself, that for a second she could forget about everything bad that had happened in her life, and see on the outside what I knew was on her inside. It made getting up at 6:00 a.m. totally worth it.

Letting Go

There's way too much happening in my mind right now. My thoughts are bouncing around in every direction. My heart and my head are constantly fighting, and I hate it. I just want to be absolutely, 100% sure about something. Then over the weekend, my mom said something that totally threw me for a loop. I've been thinking about it recently, but not as much as I am now that she mentioned it.

I hate sitting around watching people I care about stay in fucked up relationships. I know that I've had my fair share of misjudgments when it comes to guys, but in my defense, I was young, and I've grown up a lot since then. I still remember Keaton telling me he wouldn't talk to me until I broke up with John. I thought it was a horrible thing for him to say at the time, but he was justified. All I did was sit and bitch about our relationship and how he hated all my friends, yet I did nothing about it. Why can't people see what I see?

I want to go to Chicago now. 4 days seems way too long to wait, this week is going to take forever. I'm sad that I'll be missing service and seeing my family, but I'm excited about the opportunity to go to the show.

I can't wait to graduate, move, and start my life. I love the people I've met here, but it's not home, and I'm not happy. I'm trying to make the best of it for the time being. I'm going to miss the girls here, but I know that I'll stay in touch with them, and visit often. I hope that I can find a salon in Ft. Wayne that is perfect for me. That is my fastest growing fear, that I won't find a place that I'm totally in love with and enjoy going to everyday. I just need to stop worrying about it and realize that it's all out of my hands. Everything is out of my hands.

Me-Ness

I hate that the only time I see half my friends is when they need their hair done. Not cool.

I want it to be summer time, so bad.

I want to go to concerts and wear tank tops and get too hot.

I need a change of scenery.

I need new people.

I have some major issues to work out.

But what I really need, is to stop thinking about myself so much.
-Heath talked about that Sunday, and he was totally talking to me.

Role reversal much?

So this weekend I went home like usual, expecting it to be like normal. No. I ended up spending WAY more time with my dad than my mom. He's just so interested in me, he cares about everything I have to say, and wants to sit and talk to me for hours about anything. My mom, on the other hand, couldn't care less about anything unless it has to do with her boyfriend and/or his children. I'm just really sick of it, I'm tired of talking to her about my problems and her bringing EVERYTHING back to him somehow. I'm also really sick of them just sitting around bashing his ex-wife and my dad & step-mom. Like they have nothing better to talk about? She totally ditched my the entire weekend to hang out with him & his kids. It's like she can't survive unless she's with him - she goes into total bitch mode when he's not around, and then when he is, she's in total fake mode. I'm just way over it.

Beyond

Irritated. Verizon's website is absolutely ridiculous to get into your account. Facebook's new layout is annoying. And the dumbass bag boy at Kroger should be fired. 3 gallons of juice in one bag? Really? Fucking idiot.

Well...

People change.

Family is always there.

Watchmen was amazing.

I can't wait for the weekend.

I want my hair to be really long like Silk Spectre II.

I'm out.

Right where I'm supposed to be...

Today I realized why I'm doing what I'm doing. I only did 2 girls hair today; one at school and one at home. They both loved their hair and between the both of them, I made $30 in tips. That's not too shabby at all, and the feeling of knowing I made someone really happy and feel better about themselves is seriously impossible to describe. I can't wait to do this the rest of my life! :]

Un-Rants

I realized in the past couple days that I have been blessed with the most amazing family & some of the best friends a girl could ask for.

I got to see Micah & Megan over the weekend, both of which I hadn't for quite some time, and of course I had a blast as always. We hung out and laughed, and for a moment, things in my life seemed to fall back into place, because I was with two of my favorite people.

Today, I hung out with Keaton for a few hours, it seems like no matter how long we go without seeing each other or talking, we remain close and always have a good time together. He's one of the few people in my life that I can be totally myself with, and for that, I am incredibly grateful. We talked about old times, and how we want the old group to get back together and hang out like we used to, I still have hope that it will happen someday.

My mother and I spent more time together than usual in the past few days, and even though sometimes we fight like hell, I have no idea where I'd be without that woman. She has been and always will be my backbone. I love her more than life itself...and I only hope that someday I can be half the mother to my children that she has been to us.

Drew is coming down tomorrow and I'm pretty excited. We have so much fun together, he's an amazing brother. I love that we can just sit and have an entire conversation of movie quotes. We're almost always on the same page, it's so awesome.

Hill is the sister I never had, and I'm so glad she came into my life. I go to her with any problem and she just listens to me and gives input. She's older than me, and whether she realizes it or not, she's wise and gives great advice. She's also one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen, I wish she could see what the rest of us do.

Heath is just my crazy, introverted, older brother. I respect him so much, and I look up to him a whole lot. I know that everything that comes out of his mouth is well thought out and most often well studied. I'm lucky to have him around to go to when I need anything.

My dad & Cyndi are becoming bigger parts of my life as time moves on. I appreciate what they bring to my life, and how they've come to accept me for who I am. I love my father for not trying to change me anymore. He's become a good man.


..This basically became a shout out to everyone in my life...and of course there are a few other unmentioned people around that make me smile :]

Rants

I walked to the fitness room a few minutes ago to use the tanning bed, which is currently out of order. That stupid thing is always fucked up, this place is a sham. Hah.

On to what I'm really irritated with. I was reading my new Cosmo today, a mag that always entertains me and provides me with some helpful tips. Today, I happened to catch something that is probably always in there but I've never paid much attention to. It was like 3 pages of pictures of hair/makeup looks you should & shouldn't do. This just really pissed me off, who is deciding how we can & cannot present ourselves? As long as I'm not walking around in a teal scrunchie with bright purple all-over shadow, then why do you give a shit? If I want to add some color to my makeup besides gold/brown/black/grey, then I think I'll do that. If it's what makes me comfortable and confident, why should anyone be bothered by this? Just how I see it...

Oh, and ANOTHER thing that really bothered me. I was reading an article about how to attract a guy or something of the sort. First of all, I'm not going to go to a bar/club to get a guy - thanks anyway Cosmo. Besides that, they were talking about how girls should wear heels & form fitting clothes. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all about showing what my momma gave me, but I refuse to dress like a borderline slut to get someone's attention. If I have to be someone I'm not by throwing on a pair of heels and a tight shirt just to get a guy's attention, then he's not the guy who's attention I should be seeking. Articles like these just drive me nuts, they make girls think they have to fit into some mold and all look the same in order to get a guy. Ah! When will people realize that the most attractive thing is being yourself. I can't stand when a guy tries to be something he's not, it's the most repulsive behavior...next to trying to dress & smell like an Abercrombie spokesmodel. Girls have evolved enough to find the beauty in quirky guys, when will guys get to this point? All I know is, I will proudly wear my high tops until I found a boy that appreciates them. :]

Peace.

Patience is a virtue

Went up to Huntington last night, had a lot of fun with everyone while I was doing Hill's hair. I want to move, I want to move, I want to move....nooowww.

Speaking of Hill's hair, it looked gorgeous, as always...a big thanks to all the guys for letting us crash their boys night, and Matt for being so nice/helpful. :]

Watched seasons 1 & 2 of Alway's Sunny today, I have a new show to be in love with.

Peace.

Once in awhile...

I really, really, really miss high school...a whole lot.

Right now is one of those times.

I can see clearly now...

A year and a half ago I thought Kyle was crazy when he told me that we needed to grow up...apart from one another. I literally felt as if my world was ending. I couldn't see how I needed to grow up anymore than I had by that point, what did he expect of me? It seemed like my best friend had abandoned me and left me in the cold, like he didn't give a shit about what became of me. I had a mindset that no one understood the agony of what I'd gone through, I was the first person to experience an unexpected break-up. Needless to say, I am well past that point. I am so incredibly glad that he ended things. It hurt a whole lot at the time, more than I let anyone know, but it has made me such a better person. I look back and wonder how in the hell he lasted as long as he did with the person I was. I've been realizing more recently how thankful I am for what he did, I've grown so much since that time. I couldn't see it then, but now I can see that he was very right, and if I could thank him, without it being odd, I would.

On to the rest of my day...I had some pretty amazing compliments today that just boosted my self esteem. Two girls told me I had perfect skin when I was going on about getting some new skincare products, then another girl told me I looked cute anyway I wore my hair -a compliment she gives me every time I do something different- flattering, yet awkward, and then some random strangers at Qdoba & Maggie Moo's told me they loved my hair! :] Little things like that brighten my day.

Now to the not-so-bright part...I found something out today that upset me a whole lot. I was more upset than I've been in awhile, and I talked to Mike about it and got it all out of my system, I feel slightly better, but it still sucks. I did get a huge smile on my face when he said if he was home he'd bring me a bag of gummy worms to cheer me up :] I'm currently talking to Megan about it, which always helps...I'm incredibly blessed to be surrounded with these people.

Heading to bed..I have an appointment for some highlights tomorrow, thanks to Sam for recommending me!

Feelin' Good...

So I've been getting crazy into makeup lately, probably because that's all I watch on youtube these days. It amazes me the way you can completely change someone's face and entire appearance just with a little powder or creme. I've decided that I still want to do hair, but I want to do makeup now on top of that. I want to totally change the way someone looks, enhance what beauty they already have, through their hair & makeup and make them feel better than they ever have before. Seeing someone walk out with confidence after giving them a great cut/style/highlight/color/etc is an incredible feeling, I can't imagine how much better it'd feel to see them smiling and their eyes lighting up because I made them feel beautiful. I don't want to just make people feel better about their outward appearance, I want to reflect on the outside how they look on the inside...incredibly cheesy, I know. I've been going to kandeethemakeupartist.blogspot.com like it's my job, she's seriously inspired me to get into it. I know this sounds totally meaningless to most people, but it's something I've grown increasingly more passionate about the more I've learned and observed. I can't wait to get a job and be out there doing what I love...and making money so that I can buy some nice makeup. Hah!

Today, Darcy told me to do something that I have somehow never thought about doing. She told me I should get a bulletin board and put up pictures of goals I want to accomplish, whether long or short term. I had mentioned how I wanted to start buying really nice makeup and hair products, but it wasn't something I could afford right now, so she told me to put up pictures of those things I want so that I have a visual to keep me motivated. I'm not sure why I've never thought of this, but it seems brilliant. If I hang it up in my spare room, I'll see it every time I get on the computer (way too often) and want to work that much harder to acheive whatever goals I've posted.

I need to say something to you, Megan...I'm so thankful for you everyday, seriously. You've been my best friend for so long now, and we've been through an incredible amount together. I don't know where I'd be without your love and support. I realized that today when you talked to me about everything going on, I appreciate it more than you know. I absolutely hate that you live so far away, but it's alright, I have a feeling we'll live much closer to each other some day, and it makes me happy to know that you're enjoying yourself down there. Thanks for everything girl, I love you & I can't wait to see you in a couple weeks! :]

Haaairrrr!!

This is the goal for my hair..hopefully it'll be close by the end of the year, but I might be crazy. :] No, I have no clue who this girl is, I Google'd hairstyles and this was my favorite. I got ultra pissed looking for cuts/styles I like, because they all ended up being on websites called "Scene Styles!" or some bullshit like that. Then they had tutorials on how to dress, act, and do your hair "scene". Okay, if you're really scene, you don't need someone explaining to you how to be, you just are. Hah...oh, and I'm not scene, contrary to what Google believes.

Countdown

So I'm going to Chicago in a little over a month with a few of the girls from school for the Midwest Beauty Show and I can't wait! We're riding the train there, which will be a new adventure for me, and we got a hotel room to stay in for 2 nights, so it'll be a lovely little vacation from everything. I watched a few videos online of the show last year and it looked amazing, I'm so stoked to go learn some new techniques and just explore all of the different aspects of hair. Just a few short weeks and we'll be on our way! :]

Get over it...really

I hate when people bring problems onto themselves and then wallow in self-pity and blame everything on everyone else. Own up to your decisions and move on while dealing with the consequences. Your life is your responsibility, don't expect everyone to cater to you and baby you for the rest of your life, because at some point, you'll meet someone who doesn't give a shit about being sensitive to your feelings. So grow up and stop taking everything so personal.

Sorry...just needed to get that off my chest.

Wisdom's in the trees not the glass windows...

I was driving up to Marion today to celebrate Drew's birthday with my Dad's family, and I passed a house that was burning trash or something of the sort, and I got really excited. I love the smell of a bonfire, and I can't wait until that smell is consuming the outdoors every time I walk outside at night. I can't wait until I can ride around with my windows down, blasting my music. Everything about Summer makes me so happy...and although it would be wonderful to live in a place like California or Florida, where it's nice outside all the time, the shitty Indiana weather makes me appreciate Summer even more. I want to be outside as much as possible this Summer. I want to go on bike rides, to bonfires, and just walk around outside or lay by the pool, anything really. I miss the sun, and Ben Harper puts it best: She's only happy in the sun! :]

I've been with my family a lot this weekend, and it was really nice. I know I see them pretty often, but every time I do, it just makes me realize how much I've been blessed. Since I've started school, I've met and talked to a lot of girls that talk about how fucked up some of their lives are, and I know that my family is nowhere near perfect, but I rarely have complaints about them. They have always been my backbone and my rock, I wouldn't have gotten through a lot of things without them. I've decided that I will never be with a guy that my family doesn't approve of. Even though I don't agree with everything my Dad's family believes, I would never want to lose them because I was dating someone they didn't like. I want my family and the man I end up with to click effortlessly. I may be dreaming a bit, but it seems to have happened for both of my brothers.

I was listening to the song "You Don't Know Me" by Ben Folds & Regina Spektor, and it's totally how I feel about everyone around me. I feel like no one really knows me, besides my family and a couple choice friends. Sure, I can tell you about my life, my favorite colors, how much I love reading, and my favorite movies, but I feel as though no one really knows me. They don't know my heart, my desires, my true thoughts. I hide so many of those things for fear of being misunderstood, rejected, or just looked at differently. I still haven't gotten to the point where I'm okay with not "fitting in" just a little bit. Even though I'm a lot different than everyone I go to school with, I still strive to find similarities so that I'm not viewed as an outcast or an outsider of sorts. That sounds so stupid and immature, but I know that it's how most people feel. Very few people are okay with not being accepted...I just hope that I can someday get to a point where I truly don't care whether or not people accept me for who I am, because I was made this way for a reason, and I'm not going to alter it just to fit in with those around me.

Also, I got to hang with Keaton this weekend. I had missed my BFF a whole lot, and we had fun talking and watching movies and what not. We're growing our hair out together till it covers our boobies and we look like hippies. Pretty excited.

This was totally scatter-brained...welcome to my world. Hah.

Ahh!

I've wanted to write for like 3 days and I have no idea what to say. I have a million things running through my mind right now and I don't know how to get them out. I'm getting increasingly more stressed as school continue. Many things are better, but some things continue to get worse. School itself and my personal progress is going really well...it's just everything else. I'm so incredibly sick of being around so many immature people. Not to say that I'm an adult or anything, but I know how to act when I'm at school. Oh, and I just need to say one thing, if you're from Noblesville, you're NOT FUCKING HOOD..as cute as it is to paint yourself brown for Halloween. Now that that's out, if you feel like you're old enough to make the decision to perform the action that creates a child, why don't you start acting like it. You got yourself into that shit, so go home after school and take care of your business.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Now, as incredibly excited about that as I am, if I have to hear a zillion girls talking about their douchebag boyfriends tomorrow, I might have to hit someone. It's alright though, Kelly is going to be my date for the evening, hah.

Chicago is in a little over a month, and I seriously can't wait. Getting away for a couple days in a city I love obvserving something I love will be absolutely fabulous. Maybe I'll save a little money to do some non-hair item shopping! :]

I need my hair to grow..so bad..it's in a very awkward stage right now.

Blessed

I had a pretty good weekend, which was long overdue after a weird week. Saturday night I went out with Kel for Steph's birthday. Kel and I were sort of the odd ones out, but we made it fun anyway. We went to Bdub's for dinner - douchebag central - and a man that was there making balloon animals made me a little dinasour! I was pretty stoked about it hah. After we left the restaurant, Kel and I went back to my apartment and just talked for a couple hours. It was really nice, she's one of the first people that I've really felt a connection with since I've moved here. We have a lot in common, and it was just refreshing to have a real conversation with someone.

On Sunday I went back to Marion to go up to Huntington for service with my mom. This is seriously always my favorite part of the week. That place is feeling more and more like home to me and I long to be involved in it, but currently I cannot be. I can't wait to move and be closer to everything. Heath talked about something this week and last that really opened my eyes. At one point he talked about letting God take control, because even when you don't let Him, He will anyways. My brother's life is living proof of that...he may as well have been swallowed by a whale. He also talked about something else that really hit me. We are so focused on me-ness, and what is good for us. Absolutely everything we do is because we get something out of it. We need to start "togethering" as he put it...together walking. We are on this journey together, God gave us other people for a reason. It's not good for us to be alone, we need other people to be around us and support us in our walk. In turn, togethering causes us to start caring for other people. We all should be pushing each other to grow, and in maturity we truly learn to care for those around us. We also need to be taking care of the people who have no one else to care for them - widows, immigrants, orphans, and single mothers. The people who literally have nothing to fall back on. It made me realize how incredibly selfish I've been. I always look at other people and their situations and say "They made their bed, they can lay it." While this is true, that doesn't mean that I shouldn't love those people with all my heart and do everything within my power to help them. I know that when the time comes that I'm in an unfortunate situation, I'll expect someone to come to my aid, but when I see other people in those circumstances I just turn my head and pretend nothing is happening...or I just sit and gawk, acting as if I have no ability to help. I'm getting so frustrated with my own behavior and those around me. Why is it so fucking hard to just love somebody. It's literally the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. It's so hard for me to be merciful to others, because I expect perfection. I'm learning more and more everyday to not only accept, but love the imperfections of others, seeing as I have so many of my own.

On a lighter note, I went up to Ft. Wayne Sunday night to hang out with Matt. It was so good to see him, he's someone I'm really comfortable around and we just chilled for a few hours and didn't really do anything of significance, but I still had fun. I also went to Ross's, at like 2:00 a.m. and ended up falling asleep like 45 minutes after I got there, I felt a little bad. Although, I slept better than I have in a really long time. Then, in the morning Ross made me some delicious waffles! It was all around a pretty great day. When I got back to Noblesville I chilled for awhile and Kelly came over and we baked some cookies and watched youtube videos. The ultimate weekend, really.

J is in the hospital and I hope he gets better soon. These things always make me nervous. :[

P.S. I got all kinds of new music on my iPod from Heath's computer, pretty excited about that...I've been in need of some new tunes. Woooo.

TGIF...kind of

My biggest daily struggle in going to school everyday is holding my tongue. People's attitudes towards those doing services for them is unbelievable. Today, my first client was a woman probably in her late 50s-early 60s. She had some sort of problem that caused her head to shake a lot, this alone posed a challenge, but I was prepared to deal with that. Well, as I walked her back to shampoo her, we had to wait to get a bowl that would be short enough for her. This was apparently the biggest inconvenience for this woman to stand and wait for 5 minutes. The entire time all she did was sigh and complain, I just brushed this off, not a big deal. Finally, a chair opened, so I got her situated and started to shampoo her and she looks at me and tells me stop and go get her purse because someone might take it...news flash ma'am, no one is aching to nab your bag. So I stopped what I was doing and went back to get her purse; when I return to the shampoo bowl she thanks me only by saying "Well you're slow enough." Even still, I brushed her off, this little dumpling of a woman is not worth getting worked up about. So then, I take her back to my station and ask her how she wants her hair cut, well her only response is "I want it short like how Joey did it...just do what Joey did." Well, obviously I didn't study Joey's every move and haircut, so I had no idea what the woman wanted. I finally got it figured out and started cutting it. Every time I would get to one side of her head, she starts leaning over in the opposite direction, away from me, making it all the more difficult to cut. To add to it, I ended up cutting my hand because she was shaking so much, in turn causing my hand to shake while I was trying to hold her hair. This was also a huge inconvenience for her, she let out a huge sigh when I left to get a bandage for my finger. I get to the end of the hair cut and start to cut out around her ears. Obviously, she is still shaking, which makes it harder, and my shears slip and hit her ear. Mind you, she didn't get cut, or start bleeding, or anything of the like. They barely hit her and she goes, "Um ouch!" By this point, I'm nearly in tears and my hands are shaking, and anyone that knows me will vouch for the fact that it takes a whole lot to get me that worked up. After that I walked over to Silver and told her that she needed to finish it for me, which she so graciously did. So finally the cut is over and I'm starting to blow dry it with some mousse in it, and she asks how much the mousse costs and asks if she needs "one of them there blowers" to use it. Too irritated to laugh, I told her she would be fine without a hair dryer, and she ended up buying product from me, which becomes like a small tip for me. Then when she goes to leave she pats me on the shoulder and says, "Thanks so much honey!" Holy bipolar. This is my rant for the day.

P.S. I have long, beautiful mermaid hair thanks to Felicia! :]
P.S.S I got a 98% on my dreaded Anatomy & Physiology test today. w00t.

Timing is Everything

I really believe that. It's like every time I am doubting or questioning something in my life, something happens to reassure me that everything is working out the way it's supposed to. For instance, recently, I've really been questioning the decision I've made as far as school goes. I've been thinking that maybe everyone was right; maybe I am selling myself short. Then today, I was reading a note Korie posted on facebook, and it said something along the lines of how much she loved her job, and that although the type of people she catered to were very draining, she learned a lot from them, realizing money doesn't bring you happiness. That's something I've really been struggling with. It's been bothering me a lot that I have gotten into such a materialistic and self-centered field. It is a huge challenge for me everyday to not get caught up in appearances and possessions.

I've also been missing all of my old friends like hell. Somehow, they must've known this, because I've talked to them all in this past week more than I have in a really long time. I can't wait until I actually have some free time to spend with them. Oh, and I can't wait until Megan is home and we can listen to Movin' On and reminisce on some...good times? I'm getting incredibly anxious to graduate and move away from here. I'll do anything it takes to graduate before September.


P.S. Anatomy & Physiology can suck it.

Seriously...

...tell me this doesn't make you cry.

Happy Days

I've had a fabulous weekend. I got to spend time with my family, who I had missed terribly, even though it'd only been a week since I'd seen them last. Yesterday, I looked online at some apartments in Ft. Wayne and I am more excited than ever to graduate and move away from Noblesville. Also, last night and all day today I watched the first two seasons of Arrested Development, which I have decided is the greatest show on earth. I will finish the series by watching the third season tomorrow, and I really can't wait. I'm the biggest nerd ever. Oh, and I'm pretty in love with Michael Cera.

P.S. I'm taking my extensions out tomorrow because I'm sick of not washing my hair (gross - I know)...but now I'm even more impatient about my hair growing than I was before. Guess I'll have to go buy some more.

Changes

I've recently been completely re-evaluating myself. There are so many aspects of my character that I desire to be different. I want to be slow to anger, and quick to help. I want to be impossible to annoy, and known for my patience. I want to stop caring so much about myself, and truly care for those around me. I want to be more concerned with giving to others than taking for myself. I want not to just hear what people say to me, but to actually listen to them. I don't want to be seen as heartless or mean, but to be someone that people feel like they can come to with their problems. I want to be slow to judge, and accepting of others. I want to let people in, even if it means getting hurt, instead of always shutting them out. I want to stop being so cynical, and see the good in those around me. I want to trust that God has a plan for me, and stop trying to plan my own future. I want to put all of my cares and worries upon Him, because they are not my burden to bear. I want to find happiness in the littlest of things. I feel like a fire has suddenly been lit inside of me, and I am full of passion that is ready to burst out.



"Cause Mr. when you're rattling on Heaven's gate
By then it is too late
Cause Mr. when you get there
They don't ask what you saved
All they'll want to know Mr. is what you gave"
-Ben Harper

Sweet Memories

I miss the days when everything was easy. Like two years ago when all I cared about was hanging out with my best friends everyday and watching movies. When most of my friends were guys, and I didn't have to put up with sensitive girls and all their bitching. I miss having art and algebra with my best friends in the whole world. I didn't worry about bullshit like paying bills or finding a good job. Back when my biggest concern was what was happening that weekend. I want to have 3 months of summer to do absolutely nothing. I want to stay out with my friends until 4 am and sleep until noon the next day. I want to sit in an air conditioned office making phone calls and doodling. Believe it or not, I actually miss going to the Center and watching crazy little kids 2 days a week. Back then, I believed with all my heart that no matter what happened, everything would work out for the best in the end. It's not that I don't believe that anymore, because I do, it's just that I believe it in a different way. I believe it in a way that's not quite as innocent and whole-hearted as before. I want to come home from school and know that I'll have some good food to eat. More than anything, I miss seeing my friends. I miss being able to have real conversations with them. I miss having people around that I actually trust and have memories with. I know that it'll take time to build relationships with new people like the ones I already have, but I don't want to wait. I'm impatient as all hell, and sitting around until I have that security again is just not good enough. I hate the pressure of going to a school full of girls that are all about their hair, makeup, clothes, etc. Don't get me wrong, I love getting ready when I'm going out, but I miss the days when I would just throw on jeans & any shirt and a bit of makeup & go...how I looked wasn't anyone's primary concern. This place depresses me. Being around shallow people depresses me. Maybe I'll just stick to telemarketing. Just kidding.