mom & dad

I no longer have internet access at my place of residence, so I've not been writing. My life has been incredibly hectic recently. To add to the stresses of planning a wedding with no local bridesmaids and the ever constant struggles with my brother, both of my parents are dealing with medical issues. My entire life I have never seen my parents weak. Not really weak, at least. My father has always been strong and able to fix anything. My mother has always been emotionally strong, withstanding things that make my stomach hurt to think about.

Recently, my father has been having an issue with his right (dominant) hand that requires surgery. This may not sound like a huge deal, but he also has Von Willebrand's disease, creating a huge risk when performing any surgery, as his blood does not clot (he almost bled to death getting his wisdom teeth out). This is scary in and of itself, but it's even harder to watch my father be physically unable to do as much as he used to - his age is hitting me in the face. Hard.

About three and a half months ago, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. My grandmother had it, my mother has it, and I am mentally preparing myself for the day when I hear those frightening words spoken straight to me. After all she's been through, this is what made her feel weak. It knocked the wind out of her at first. Thank God, she has the "best" type of breast cancer possible and she has an incredible doctor in Indianapolis. Tuesday will mark her third surgery so far to hopefully get the rest of the mass - the doctor is avoiding a mastectomy at all costs. After this, she will go through 6 weeks of radiation and hopefully this will all be behind us.

I pray for patience. For strength. For guidance. For doctor's wisdom. For perseverance. For peace. For comfort. And finally, for healing. And I thank God for giving me parents who, despite their shortcomings, have raised me to believe. And I thank Him for all of the precious time He has given me with them, and the incredible memories that are to come.

Mom got married this past weekend and the whole family is home and happy. I love it - spending time outdoors and enjoying one another's company. Inevitably, when Heath is home we wind up reminiscing and getting on the subject of how awful our father was (and sadly, still is).  Heath tried to call our dad five times over the past couple months to arrange a time to see him when he was home - Dad never answered or returned his calls (his excuse was that Heath didn't leave a message). Heath's conclusion? He's over it. He's done trying. One can only do so much.

So yesterday (Father's Day), I went out to Dad's to do some finishing touches on the basement and Cyndi makes a comment that Dad didn't hear from Heath on Father's Day. She proceeds to say "He's a jerk. I'm sorry, but he's a jerk. I lose more respect for him as time goes on. What did your father ever do to him?" SERIOUSLY?! What did he do to him? Where should I start? Maybe the time that dad found Drew & I PLAYING together, spanked us both for no reason, sent us to bed at 2 pm with no supper, and then yelled at Mom for crying when he did so. Or how about the time he was dragging heath through the house by his legs, while kicking him, as a small child and when Mom got upset, he told her to "watch it, or she'd be next". Or the time that Heath finally stood up to Dad, and Dad got so angry that he kicked a hole in Heath's door. Or the time he screamed at me as a 4 year old for talking at the dinner table because he couldn't hear Fox News. Or maybe the time that he got angry at Drew and I for something and punched a hole in our door. I could literally go on for hours about reasons that each of us has resentment built up toward our father. And you can say, "but that was so long ago" "Christ is about redemption" so on and so forth. The fact of the matter is, our father has not changed, he has only realized that we out-number and out-strengthen him now. He subtly continues to be a shitty father by not communicating with us and then acting to everyone else as if we ignore him, or by making up excuses to not help me get a car or contribute to paying for my wedding. He makes jabs at our political and religious beliefs - even though he has no real facts to back up his own. He is narrow-minded and judgmental. He is racist and sexist and doesn't even realize it. My father is the reason I have suppressed most of my childhood and the reason I do not want to have children.

So there it is, all of the years of saying "you haven't lived with him, you don't get it" - maybe now someone will get it. Obviously Cyndi doesn't, because she's bigger than Dad and he can't threaten her. She's living in a dream world where she thinks she's married to the perfect man and the greatest dad. My apologies to her for that incredibly delusional thought.

It's been a long time coming

I had a fantastic weekend, and at some point, without my knowledge, something in me changed. It is deeply ingrained in my nature to be quick-witted, sharp-tongued, and nit picky. I am so painfully aware of these traits that I cringe when they show themselves. And like seeing a train wreck, I feel powerless to stop them.

When Heath moved, it was incredibly difficult for me. Not only was I losing my big brother, but I was losing my pastor - hands down, no question the best speaker I have heard (all bias aside). He is incredibly intelligent, will not speak without being well studied on a subject, and articulates my thoughts better than I know how. I was absolutely convinced that I would not find another pastor whose words could reach me the way Heath's did (and still do, thanks to his blog). I was so wrong, because this weekend God spoke through someone else. I quickly learned that Heath's intelligence didn't make him a fantastic preacher, it was God's gift of communication - he was only the messenger. Kevin, the pastor at the church community we've been involved with recently, is a great guy. He shares my dry/sarcastic sense of humor and an understanding of the cynicism I've been carrying with me for far too long. This week he spoke on James 1:19, and for the first time in awhile I felt as if a sermon had been written solely for me. Suddenly, I realized that criticizing others and always having a quick response does nothing but hurt both parties. I was shining a spotlight on the flaws of others (which I'm sure they already knew) and causing myself to become even more cynical than before. I wasn't opening myself up to God and letting him show me how to truly communicate.

No, I may never be the 'strong, silent type', but I am continuing to learn how to listen and speak intentionally. Listening to what others have to say and what God has to say through them, and speaking to others in a positive, uplifting manner. Already I feel better and my relationships with those around me are feeling the benefit.

Because we're getting married in a garden, I wanted to avoid the traditional bouquet of flowers. So I think I have made my decision - some form of a succulent bouquet! I'm excited, I love the look of succulents & the fact that they won't wilt. AND you can spray paint them (hey, they're going to die anyway...) So, here are a few of the options I've found :)

my newest challenge

we'll see how this pans out...

*I should add to this why I am only using a dictionary and not a class. I was discussing with the Greek/Hebrew prof at IWU and she was telling me about a guy who knows like 80 languages fluently or something ridiculous like that. Well, his method is to learn a few thousand of the most popular words before he even begins with sentence structure. So, this is my attempt at his theory.